Sunday, September 30, 2012

Reflections

Our lives are all different.  Even the same activities have different meanings to us.  For example, polishing one's nails a bright color may be uneventful to you, even tedious.  But to me it is a big thrill.  It symbolizes something critical to me and resonates deep inside.

Let's reverse the direction -- jumping on a motorcycle and going fast is a routine, daily experience to me.  To non-riders, though, it is an exciting, once-in-a-lifetime event which will be remembered and spoken about for decades.

What matters to you?  What is a big deal to you? 

Is it career advancement?  Romantic intimacy?  Socializing?  Enjoying your hobbies?

You can stop reading now and answer the question.  Or, if you're interested, you can continue on to personal reflections about my life.  They will not be on the test.  You do, however, get extra-credit for slogging through them.  :)

The major focus of my life has been career achievement.  It was the dream of my parents, not my own.  As the first-born son of immigrants, I was laden with the weight of their aspirations.  I was pushed to work hard and achieve academic, athletic and professional success.  Dutifully, I complied.

I climbed to the pinnacle of my profession.  I've argued before every court, from the lowest to the highest.  I've won major cases and suffered crushing defeats.  I've had juries applaud me; I've had them turn me down.  I've been quoted and published in legal periodicals.  I've had my name on the front page of prestigious journals, more than once.  I've been practicing law for thirty years (1982-now).

Today, that means little to me.  Almost nothing.  I scaled those heights and proved to myself and others that I can do it.  Okay.  Now what?  Been there, done that.

What, you may ask, was my career dream?  I'll tell you because my life isn't over and I plan to pursue it increasingly in the future.  My dream is to become a writer.

Let's turn to romance.  I've had two successful, fulfilling long-term relationships (with Maura and Robin).  The three of us look at those decades of loving support with fond memory.

Romantic companionship is valuable.  It gives us someone to share experiences with, someone to care for.  But, if we're wise, we realize at some stage that no relationship, no matter how deep or nurturing, can do the hardest, most vital work -- the project of ourselves.  Only we can fill the holes inside us.  Believing others can do that is a fallacy that leads too many people in the wrong direction.

So, if I've been successful at work and happy in my romantic life, what's left?  This was the topic of my first blog post, entitled "Circling Back."  What's left is the thing at my core.  The thing that existed at the time of my earliest memory (age 4) and never left me.  My struggle with gender.  It is the issue at the center of my life. 

What's your big issue?  What are you wrestling with, caring about, working on?


39 comments:

  1. My big struggles right now are mostly career oriented. I've just graduated with my PhD in a field that's incredibly hard to break into (like 50 jobs opening up a year and 5000+ people applying for them) and so I'm dealing with a lot of frustration on that end. And committing myself to working towards those career aspirations means putting things like having children on hold for a time. And that family life is something I really want in my life and being a 32 years old faced with putting it all on hold for a few years makes me very nervous. But one must soldier on I suppose!

    Courtney ~ http://sartorialsidelines.com

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    1. Thank you for sharing, Courtney. I wish you the best.

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  2. My struggles are with identity. I love who I am, and I am only lately becoming comfortable with myself. My latest post actually is on a similar topic. I'm obviously maturing, so a lot of things seem to be changing for me.

    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  3. My issue is health and weight. In that order. But with the diabetes the weight is intimately connected to the health. I've been doing pretty good. But I do find myself getting angry sometimes that I can't just sit down and stuff myself with things I used to eat. And I guess I'm glad I'm not feeling sorry for myself because that would make everything worse. But it's something to be dealt with every day and sometimes I just get tired of it. I'm glad I have a blog. I can think and talk about something fun if I need to.

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    1. Having friends facing the same struggle, you have my sympathy, Judy. Good luck.

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  4. My struggles are a little...unusual. I've been dealing with mental illness for as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, I wouldn't have thought that I would even be able to have a career or a romantic relationship; neither of those seemed possible for someone who had trouble making it through the day. But now I have a future with someone I love--and if that doesn't work out, plenty of opportunity to find someone else!--and I'm working towards a career in psychology, so hopefully I can someday help people like me :)

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    1. How wonderful to hear of your progress and prospects for a happy life. I'm sure you'll do well and am rooting for you.

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    2. You're not alone, mouse! ((HUG))

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  5. My biggest struggle is independence. As someone who got married quite young, went to college right away, and always had someone around I am very dependent on others.

    I want to find a job I can do happily. I want to work on my marriage. I want to actually have a home where I can bring my kittens to rather than leaving them with my Mom.

    Like Courtney Erin, my husband and I face job issues where there are significantly more people applying for minuscule amounts of jobs. Add that to a particularly depressed area and it's hard to actually get out on our own. I continue my education with the hope that it will improve my chances, but at the moment, my age group faces unemployment because priority goes to the middle-age laid off workers.

    Add in my particular issues with GAD, well --- I will just say I am highly grateful that with your help I've started a small business.

    My ultimate dream is to be able to support myself and enjoy my life. I don't want to be in the position my parents wound up in due to addiction.

    I think you're a wonderful writer already, Ally. So I can say with confidence that your dream is definitely in reach. I hope we all can keep pursuing our dreams and achieving them. Life is not easy, but you only live once, so live it to the fullest.

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    1. Indeed. And I hope you achieve your dreams, buddy.

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    2. Agreed with Megan. You are already a skilled writer. You are thoughtful, and your language is both descriptive and provocative. There's no doubt you will be a success as a writer, my dear.

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  6. My sense of obligation to external sources is really ridiculous. It was well satisfied when I was in the military, but is misplaced in my current life.

    I think what I am struggling with now is giving up the ideas of what I SHOULD be/do, and becoming okay with just being/doing the things I WANT to be/do. For some reason that feels frivolous or inadequate. I'm trying to get over that and just BE HAPPY in the ridiculously blessed life I live.

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    1. This is an important threshold for you to cross. That you're consciously trying to do so is more than half the battle. Keep going and you'll make it.

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    2. freeda, I have this too. Exactly the same. Keep on keeping on, I say :-)

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  7. Right now I'm very focused on my career, which thankfully is going well and which keeps me inspired. I'm finding that I'm actually a lot more ambitious than I ever dreamed I was, which is surprising. I find myself thinking about making it to the executive level, which is something I never thought I'd be interested in. But now I think I'd be good at it! I'd love to inspire other women in science to achieve more than they ever thought possible.

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  8. Oh, and I think you'd make a wonderful writer!

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  9. My struggles... With health. And with myself, as we're living in a society where people are not individuals but just some particles serving the machine, and I don't like that idea, but I gotta tolerate that fact if I want to stay alive.

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  10. My struggle is health. As you know I'm mentally ill. And everyday is a new fight against this illness, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But at the same time I have a wonderfull husband who trys his best so support me and our life together. Because for now I'm unable to work with my illness. I'm really thankfull for that.

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  11. My struggle is whether or not my husband and I want to become parents in the next couple of years or not. I used to think that I definitely wanted children, but lately I haven't been too sure. We're going one day at a time and it works and we're in a good place, so that is what matters most, but it's in the back of my head. Fortunately I have a very supportive husband and we're happy and I think we'll be happy no matter what.

    I think you'd make a terrific writer Ally. I would love to write too. I am not sure what I want to write though, but it's definitely something I've thought of as well!

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  12. my biggest struggle is what comes next? I thought for sure I would be married with children but it seems that is never going to happen. I'm older than I look. I'm also at a job that I have limited time left on, and have no idea what comes next.

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    1. The prospect of having (natural-born) kids may pass at some point but the possibility of getting married will never disappear. You just need to find the right person. Best of luck with that and your work.

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  13. Another thought provoking post :)
    One of the things i have pending to do is go back to school, i started university once again at the beginning of 2012 so i could get a masters and be a teacher. However i had to drop out because of work, i plan on going back in 2013.
    ANother thing is, like Elle, i always think "What comes next?"
    I guess part of the spark of life is just working on something... something that will make you a better person and be who you are... andi look forward to you book..
    Have you started writing yet ?

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  14. I guess mine would be what's next, how do I fulfill my dreams while being a fulfilling parent.

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  15. <3 My biggest chanlleng has always been myself. Im learning how to live my life enjoying for who I am.
    And now, Im finally feeling that Im getting into the right direction.
    I like you blog btw. I found my way to here from Laras new followmee blog. And I started to follow you.

    <3 http://mangosforflamingos.blogspot.fi/

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  16. My most prominent challenge right now is balance - i always seem to be spinning one too many (full) plates.

    I'm so glad you're at a point in your life where you can focus on your own dreams, Ally, and the things most important to you, including the central matter of gender identity. As others have said, you are already a wonderful writer!

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  17. Just discovered your blog and really enjoyed reading this post.
    It really got me thinking.
    Like you, my future career was a big deal for me. I wanted to become a helicopter pilot in the french army police (while I was studying law at uni I actually did think about becoming a lawyer, but stuck to my original idea in the end). I nearly succeeded. After months of hard training (for a short girl army training is hard) I broke my knee. Not just sprained, but badly broken, so i got 'kicked out' of the army. I was devastated. At about the same time my mother also passed away. She was rather young, and there was still so many things that she wanted to discover and do. So now I just think live every day to the fullest. If you want to do something and are able to, just do it. Life is short.
    By the way you are a great writer!
    x
    Bel
    http://b-by-bel.blogspot.com/

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    1. Great message. Thanks for sharing it. And nice to meet you.

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  18. That's a deep question. Working in the medical profession with ill people everyday makes me realize that I don't have too much to complain about. If I've got my health (check) and someone who loves me(check), food (check) and shelter (check) that pretty much covers it. I do tend to have a sweet tooth though and that could ultimately lead to health issues...sigh.
    Great post as usually Ally with much to ponder.

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  19. I often feel like I should be doing more... of just about everything. Except work lol. More travel, more physical activity, more reading, etc. Then I go from hyper-busy to hermit-mode. I'm working at moderation on both ends... Hubby and Stinky don't necessarily like it when I shut them out.

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  20. What sort of writing would you like to pursue? I really enjoy your writing style in this autobiographical format but I can imagine you'd do great storytelling.

    As for your question of the day (or should I say yesterday), I feel like I'm dealing with several different things simultaneously, many revolving around self-acceptance, personal growth, and career goals relating to my crafts.

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    1. My greatest skill is in non-fiction. I have developed a sophisticated ability to analyze many issues and explain them lucidly. I plan to write books when I no longer need to worry about money, so my writing isn't affected by that.

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  21. Great post! 2 days go impressed! You raised a very sad subject for me!
    My biggest problem is the health and the injury for which I can not have a job! but I really want to write in a journal or an excellent make-up artists (I love it and I'm good to do it)
    Only I live in a small town and there is no such prospect for me ((

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  22. Hi there :) Thanks so much for your comment on my blog, I've joined your bandwagon of followers too. My biggest 'thing' right now is finding time for myself... Luckily I've got some holidays soon to get started. And I've always wanted to be a writer too! :) x

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  23. Having shared deeply person details with you 'off blogesphere' I won't go into the details. But, I love this post my sweet Ally ... don't ever stop sharing.

    You're super special

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  24. I love reading such posts from you, getting to know you better.

    I personally never dreamed about something very hard. Or did but totally in vain. I mostly dreamed when it started to turn real. Even my carrier started from unexpected switch. Although taking about my job I can speak to struggle. As an engineer and a woman I always face lack of trust in my abilities or harassment like 'woman's place should be at home'. When I was younger I pushed a lot into sports and even wanted to train kids for living. It all went away with sever trauma but it gave me a huge believe in myself. Being one of the only women in this 'sport' (I'm not sure how to say it in English in fact, it's the military non-weapon self-defence but also worked under knives and such) facing men all the time to get a degree and not having any (I mean it any) discounts for my gender. Lifting x kilos men, lifting x kilos me, run 10 km men and so did I. I bet you get me about that in some point.
    Take care, Ally. Have a great rest of week

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    1. Thanks for sharing, buddy. I understand you perfectly.

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  25. Oh, Ally, you always express yourself so beautifully, and give me pause for reflection. I believe that the skills and experience you used to climb to amazing heights, personally and professionally, will help you succeed with any new goals you set your heart and mind to.

    It bothers me that I am not able to answer your question. I think I'm in a holding pattern right now, possibly a holding back pattern. I know I will be coming back to this post to make myself examine your question more closely.

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