Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thoughts On Failure
I tweeted my despair in language that was hyperbolic, partly due to the lateness of the hour and my physical exhaustion. (My opportunity to dress up comes at the end of a long day of work and only unstoppable enthusiasm propels me to engage in it despite physical fatigue.)
A few of you responded to my tweet with compassion and good sense. The incident is a minor thing; tomorrow is another day; no real harm done. In fact, I learned about fashion from what didn't work and why. Your comments made perfect sense. (Thank you, Megan, Sage, Callie, Kat and Cara.)
After a good night's sleep, I realized something else was at work. The failure triggered my insecurity about being able to dress competently as a woman. (Not convincingly; just competently, which means not embarrassingly.) I realized this insecurity was operating when I started questioning whether I should cancel the party scheduled for the future (3/3) because I don't want to be a fool and, if the best I can do is look like a hairy football-player in shoddy drag, perhaps I should just go back into the closet where I lived for five decades and shut the door on possible happiness.
Hey, it was late, I was tired. Insecurity got the best of me. I realize now that I shouldn't regress, but sometimes emotions grab us and take us to sad places.
Were you aware that I have this insecurity? Do you know I worry about embarrassing myself on this blog? Well... it's true. I try hard to be positive and constructive here but I do have to battle emotions generated from a lifetime of having the female side of me suppressed deeper than the secret to atomic bombs. When I scrutinize my photos to see if they're good enough to post, I worry about your reactions to the tiniest of details. This is why your comments are so important to me.
Do you ever overreact to something because of a hidden insecurity?