Thursday, February 16, 2012
I'm Afraid Our Hour Is Up...
When you're wrapped up in one of life's riddles, do you ever realize that maybe you're missing the big picture? That you're losing perspective? That may be happening to me. You be the judge.
I am excited about my party. SUPER-excited. So excited that the outfit I'll wear is a daily obsession. I want it to be perfect. Not merely adequate, but perfect. But perhaps striving for perfection isn't the right attitude to have.
My obsessing over this issue was initially joyful but now it seems to be descending into anxiety. I'm begining to think if I don't have the perfect outfit, I ruin my One And Only Chance of ever being happy in the presence of other people. I've been assuming -- and this is where I lose sight of the big picture -- that this particular party is the One And Only Time I'll ever be granted the privilege of dressing up around others. Viewed that way, the pressure for my outfit to be perfect is taking a negative turn.
Fortunately, I just re-read something my friend Jamie wrote when we first talked about the party. Jamie said this could be a new beginning for me -- that it could be the first of many social occasions. Her statement jolts me into realizing that maybe people will let me do this again. Maybe this isn't my ONLY shot at happiness. Maybe, maybe...
I have nothing to wear!! Now, I really understand what that means.
Of course I have ordinary outfits but nothing really special. Nothing fit for The Most Wonderful Evening Of My Life. Thinking this is my One And Only Shot made me worry that whatever I choose won't be good enough. But... if this is merely the first of several opportunities, that pressure dissipates. Perhaps I should view the party that way. I want it to be purely joyful and keep out any negative thinking, so maybe I should hope that someone will allow me to do this again.
Second, my hair. For the first two years of blogging, I had medium-length brown hair in a style that is often seen on older women. Just yesterday on a news show, I saw a 70-year old woman with the exact same style. Not an encouraging sight.
Recently, since my birthday last November, I've been sporting a new look -- much longer hair with noticeable color variation. It's certainly a younger style and I've grown accustomed to it.
I've been agonizing over which style to wear. In public, should I look old (which I actually am) or try to create my ideal appearance (which is younger). Will I seem foolish to attempt the latter? Of course, I don't want to embarrass myself. Then, again, nobody is unaware that I'm really an average-looking old guy beneath it all. Since they are overlooking that elephant, can I shoot for the Moon?
What do you think? And since you're being my therapist, feel free to send a bill. :)