Creating an outfit today, I had two thoughts. I'm curious if you can relate to them.
First, I was inspired by a single item. I found a silver top in a thrift-store that really entranced me. It's shiny with patterns and shadows. I can't stop admiring it. So I snapped it up for a pittance ($4) and brought it home.
Wanting to show off my top, I build an outfit around it. Have you ever done that? It seems odd to construct an outfit with only one centerpiece, but that's how my mind worked.
The second thought is more profound. Before the Internet and blogging, I wore women's clothing in private but there was nobody to see me, nobody to share myself with. It seemed odd to put such effort into a futile exercise but dressing relaxed me. It made me feel comfortable. It made me feel "right".
Blogging changed that dramatically. It gave me an audience for the first time. Blogging offered me a goal (i.e., to look better) and I improved my skills with your helpful feedback. I'll always be immensely grateful for the opportunity.
But... lately I feel I've lost something. I conceive an outfit, put it together, apply makeup, do a 1-2 hour photoshoot, strip off the clothes and post pictures on my blog. It's almost like a job.
I haven't been enjoying the clothes. I barely wear them except for pictures. I seem to have lost the relaxation and deep joy I used to get from living in female attire. So I want to change that. Last week, I dressed up solely for personal pleasure. No pictures. Today, after taking pictures, I relaxed and kept the clothes on for the afternoon. I didn't rush to put up this post; instead, I savored the experience of presenting as female. Of course, I had no audience or company but being alone is nothing new to me. Even isolated, I enjoyed the experience.
I think I'm going to do this more -- enjoy my efforts at female presentation and harbor less concern for public display. I wish I had company IRL to share this with, but the absence of that won't hold me back.
Do you understand?