A famous female author (Terry McMillan) was profiled by the New York Times last Sunday. The article reports that the author was shopping in a fancy clothing store in Manhattan. She found a top and proceeded to the cashier to purchase it. Then this happened (I'm quoting verbatim from the article):
As [the author] handed the clerk her credit card, she admired the young woman's curls. "I like your hair," [the author] said. "Can I touch it?" The clerk said no. "Why?" she asked. "Because I'm not a petting zoo," the clerk replied.
Snap!
What do you think? Was this a reasonable or impolite thing for the author to ask? Have you ever responded to anyone with such a witty remark?
It is kind of weird and she was treating the person like an object.
ReplyDeleteThere was a great Seinfeld episode where someone touches the fabric of a jacket Elaine is wearing called "The Sniffling Accountant"
"Elaine: Ask your mother, you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger
like this.
Jerry: So, what did you do?
Elaine: I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.
George: Wow, just felt your material?
Elaine: Yeah...Jake Jarmel.
George: Sounds like a cool guy.
Jerry: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on."
Anyhow the episode points to the fact that people do not like their personal space invaded. George finds out the hard way and loses his bra salesman job.
bisous
Suzanne
Thanks for the feedback, buddy.
DeleteIt's one thing to compliment someone (nice) and another thing to treat her like an object or a cute pet (not nice), but at least she asked if she could touch.... However, she clearly crossed the line by asking 'why not'. A 'no' is clear enough and should be respected.
ReplyDeleteMy personal response to an invasion of personal space depends on my mood, the specifics of the said invasion and the perpetrator. But I could say I'm not happy anyone touching me without permission
Yikes. I'm not sure what I would say if someone wanted to touch my hair. I do feel that it was rude of the author to ask, even if it wasn't her intention to be rude.
ReplyDeleteHhhhmmmm.. I think that fact that they were strangers made it odd. If a friend asks me the same of course I'd say yes.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if she needed to emphasize that she wasn't an animal in a petting zoo, but the other woman should have never asked a complete stranger to let her touch her hair. You might ask a good friend but it's just very rude and weird. I think if someone asks something rude, you'd normally say no and then it's rude to even ask why but if they did you could say it makes you uncomfortable. There are too many rude people in the world.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the author had good intention. Based on the clerk's response, I would guess that this wasn't the first (or second) time she got this question!
ReplyDeleteMary
www.marymurnane.com
I am an open friendly person, I would have ( rightly or wrongly) assumed it was meant as a non threatening curiosity, or a compliment, and said yes.
ReplyDeleteBut we are all different.
xx, Elle
http://www.theellediaries.com/
I think when girls are younger, it's definitely a freer thing to ask if they can play with another girl's hair or something. Maybe as an adult, it comes off as a little weirder to say to a stranger.
ReplyDeleteAs a tattooed person, I experience people stopping me, wanting to get a better look at my art. Sometimes people touch without asking.
However for the author - 1. at least she asked. people can be exceedingly rude by touching others without asking. 2. she should have accepted 'no' and left it at that.
People aren't side-show attractions. You can also enjoy something without touching it. ;P
I agree on the tattoo thing - I've had people touch without asking. It feels very rude. I'm not asking for it!
DeleteSuch a complicated issue! Yes, there's personal space, but also people who have an unusual feature do learn to expect that people will want to look at or touch it (I get this with my purple hair all the time, especially little kids).
ReplyDeleteIt can also be a racist thing (noting however that Terry McMillan is black), and can read as very offensive to people of colour to see a feature (like hair - the anecdote doesn't mention the salesperson's race) as a novelty, or something seen as not an integrated part of a person, hence the "petting zoo" comment.
Commenting on a person's appearance is always very loaded (especially to women), because it can connote that the observer doesn't see them as a person, but as an object. Consider, "You look nice today" (could be read as not looking nice on other days, but overall only seeing the surface) vs. "You seem very happy today" (paying attention to the actual person). It can be very confusing!
My snappy comeback for a comment on something like a body part (eg. you have nice feet) is to say, "thanks, I grew them myself!"
Can be awkward!!! I remember going to my husband's school concert and one of the girls had corkscrew curls. I said to her- pointing (and I am assuming, apparently in a going-to-BOING-it gesture from what will follow) that I loved her hair. She thought I'd actually boinged one of her curls and told my husband that. She didn't mind but thought it was funny. To this day, he doesn't believe that I didn't and I DIDN't!!!!! Grrr!
ReplyDeleteI believe you, Kezzie. You're too nice a person to boing without permission. :-)
DeleteI think her response was witty, to be honest. Personally, I don't care for people I don't know touching me. At least the cashier had the decency to ask though!
ReplyDeleteAnytime a Stranger either asks to touch you or touches you without permission it is awkward and uncomfortable, or downright creepy. Asking Why they can't is even more intrusive, it should be obvious why you don't go around wanting to touch people you don't even know! *LOL* That said I had a funny incident once where I was wearing my usual Bohemian Garb with a Gypsy Bag I made and I was at a Design Event standing still admiring something. All of a sudden I heard two ladies behind me saying how much they Loved an ensemble and then I felt them touching me! I turned around, they were mortified, they thought I was a Mannequin! It was hilarious and they were apologizing profusely... now that wasn't Weird, it was just Funny as Hell! I still Smile when I think about the look on their poor faces and the embarrassment since they had touched my clothing and bag! I took it simply as a compliment that they had admired everything I had on and were so enamored by it all they didn't even realize it was on a Real Person! *LOL* Dawn... The Bohemian
ReplyDeleteThat's hilarious, Dawn! And I can imagine it happening.
DeleteIt reminds me of a similarly-funny experience I had while shopping. There was a woman standing next to me in the aisle but she wasn't looking at me. Suddenly she put her arm around my waist and pulled me close. As I registered shock, she looked at me, cringed in horror and said, "I"m so sorry! I thought you were my husband!"
Oooo I wouldn't like this... I like my personal space. At least they asked and the lady had the opportunity to say no.
ReplyDeleteYa...I have personal space issues and do not appreciate people that I don't know touching me. As a matter of fact, it's a running joke with most of my friends that I don't like to be touched. I often get, "Hey, I'm gonna hug you...whether you like it or not" or "Can I hug you, or will you punch me if I do?" Lol...I'm really not that bad. I let my friends touch me, they just like to give me a hard time. If a stranger wanted to touch my hair? Um, no. I'm sure she just thought the clerk's hair looked beautiful and soft, but still...ew.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
www.fashionfairydust.com
I've snapped at people asking about when I'm 'expecting'... Especially when I wasn't!!!! I don't think it's the end of the world to ask, but I also don't think she was terrible with her answer. It's spicy, but not the rudest thing ever.
ReplyDeleteWeird, I'm not sure I would have had the same reaction and probably would have taken it as a compliment. But there are definite boundaries and sometimes I feel insecure when someone crowds my space so I kind of get it.
ReplyDeleteI don't find asking to touch her hair rude but expecting an explanation for the "no" was out of line. I think that's what provoked the "not a petting zoo" response.
ReplyDeleteI'm usually a go with the flow kind of person, but this seems a bit too much for me. To question me would make me upset, because my personal space is MY personal space. I totally believe in a bubble.
ReplyDeletewww.mrsaokaworkinprogress.com
In the grand scheme of things this isn't the worst thing in the world, in my opinion. However, I would personally be a little creeped out if some asked to pet me and I didn't know them! But at least she asked instead of just reaching out and touching her hair..but then asking for an explanation for the "no" was a bit much. If she would've just left it at that, I wouldn't have seen any harm in the interaction.
ReplyDeleteI like to touch people's hair, skin, clothes, faces and I don't mind if people so it to me. I ask and if they say no, then I go on about my business. I don't see it as being treating like an animal in a petting zoo - it's just simply connecting with another human being and satisfying curiosity. I'm assuming the woman was black and I can tell ya black women tend to be the rudest about reacting to people wanting to touch their hair. It's their crowning glory and they are very protective of it but still there's no need to be snippy.
ReplyDeleteO wow, In this scenario, I'm the author, I always always ask people I know or even strangers to touch their hair when I think it's pretty, but I wouldn't have asked why, when the clerk said "no".
ReplyDeletexx, Bing.
You always ask such interesting questions ~ I really don't know what I would have said but I think the petting zoo comment was uncalled for.
ReplyDelete