Monday, January 21, 2013
I've done many things in my life that I'm proud of. Believe it or not, this humble blog is the one I take most pride in. It is the truest thing I've ever done. My blog is the most authentic expression of my self. In the context of my life, that is a Herculean accomplishment.
As a child, I was dutiful for parents who centered their lives on childrearing. As a student, I worked hard, got good grades, was admitted to a prestigious college, got into a top-tier law school and graduated with honors. As a young attorney, I learned my craft, endured years of financial exploitation, escaped predatory partners, started my own practice and built a profitable business enterprise.
Flying above these achievements, however, is this blog. Part art-project, part autobiography, my blog records, displays and celebrates my inner soul. It shows who I am. Given the opprobrium of our society toward gender transgression, that's no small thing. From my earliest memory, I was told forcefully and repeatedly that I can't be the person I am. I was told I had to conceal my nature. I believed, with profound sadness, that suppression would be my lifelong fate. Fortunately, it is not.
We reach a stage in life when we realize it's do or die. Literally. We face mortality when our family and friends start dying. The prospect of a terminal point prompts us to examine what we're doing and ask if that's all there is.
My mother died. My brother died. Close friends have passed away. I know, with the weight of a boulder on my chest, that I will die. I almost did once, lying on a cold roadway with a collapsed lung, broken ribs and no ability to breathe. I came very close to the end. Such an experience leaves a scar on your psyche.
Sounds great, right? But there's always back-pressure. Lacking experience in female fashion, my early attempts at dressing up were bad. Pathetically inept. The first three times I tried on makeup I cried. I couldn't do it. I had no skill and no mentors to help me.
But, as the girl whose life I saved once said about me, I'm dogged. It is my best trait. I perservere. I keep at my goals relentlessly, ignoring pain, forgetting disappointment. I forge ahead with sheer will. Damn it, I thought, I'll learn how to appear credible in female form if it takes forever.
I slowly improved. I'm at a point now where I'm not embarrassed by my appearance. I won't win any beauty contests but measuring progress from where I began, I'm satisfied. You may not realize it but transforming a body with no curves into the semblance of a woman's shape takes effort. Most women can just toss on clothes to look female; I have to do more than that.
My blog shows this journey. Openly available to anyone, my blog reveals my inner self in all its oddity and honesty. You may visit many blogs, but how many do you visit like mine? There's a reason for that.
Are you proud of your blog? What do you think it does for you?