Saturday, August 27, 2011


Hi guys.  I have three things to talk about.  I really need your help with the third one so, if the first two subjects don't interest you, just skip down to the bottom.  Thanks.

There's a hurricane heading straight to New York.  It will arrive later today.  Many people here are panicking.  The stores are sold out of flashlights, batteries, bottled water; the gas stations have long lines.  Mass transit is being shut down; all sports-games are cancelled, and Broadway shows are going dark.

I'm not concerned.  I've lived through hurricanes before.  I believe the fear gripping people is irrational and an overreaction.  Then again, if you don't see any new posts on this blog next week, perhaps I was washed out to shore...

A business-colleague took me to a ballgame last night.  We saw the N.Y. Mets beat the Atlanta Braves in new CitiField stadium.  Built two years ago, the stadium is much more modern than the old one it replaced.  When I was growing up, my dad used to take me to Shea Stadium to watch the Mets lose games.  The new ballpark is nicer and even has BBQ from a fancy NYC restaurant I've visited (Blue Smoke).

The game was good.  The Mets starter pitched a two-hit complete game that he later described as the best performance of his career.  It was.  And the rest of the team supported him with six runs.  I kept rubbing my eyes, disbelieving it was the Mets I was watching.  They are a lousy team -- under .500 and 22 games behind the Phillies.

Okay, now here's the tricky one.  Last week, someone hurt my feelings.  Badly.  A fellow-blogger whom I've known for a year, exchanged e-mails with, and previously felt supported by.  She left a comment on my blog that hurt me so deeply that -- for the very first and only time -- I deleted it.  Every time I read the comment, it hurt me again.  I felt leaving it up would continue making me feel sad.

The problem is, she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings.  I believe she had no malice in her heart.  She was just saying what she thought. 

What do you do with that?  I can't be angry with her, because she wasn't trying to offend me.  I'm reluctant to mention it to her, because she'll just say she wasn't trying to offend me (which I believe is true).  And yet, my feelings are still hurt.  I don't know how to repair them.  Worse, it's causing me to question whether you guys share her beliefs and if maybe I'm misinterpreting what I thought was your support of me as something else entirely.

The fellow-blogger's comment was about a subject of critical importance to me -- being who I am.  Her statement was candid: its essence said, "you are a freak and, if my husband acted the way you do, I couldn't love him."  I won't quibble with the first part (noting my social deviance), but I was wounded by the second part (that I'm unworthy of love).  Some of us are different, but we are all worthy of love.  Being different doesn't disqualify you from that basic human need.

I think she was simply saying what she believes.  Perhaps it is my mistake in assuming that, because she is friendly and reads my blog, she understands and supports me.  Those assumptions now seem patently false.

Do you have any advice on how I should react to this?  How I should handle it, if at all?

Why do you read my blog?  Is it because you like me, or am I merely a dancing bear whose oddity entertains you?


  1. Re: the hurricane- I'm on standby for the Red Cross, we might open a shelter here for evacuees.

    Re: the Mets- *yawn*

    Re: the comment- wow. Ouch.

    I started reading your blog because it was intriguing to see you try to learn the simple things that we (born cis-women) largely figured out in adolescence... which clothing flatters our figures, how to apply makeup to bring out the best in our features, how to carry ourselves, etc.

    It's kind of like seeing this blend of middle-aged adult and twelve-year-old girl in one person....

    I stuck around because I not only loved seeing your confidence and happiness grow, but saw more of your shining heart and intellect.

  2. The hurricane would terrify me, your quite brave. I'm going to check back in on ya to make sure you did okay during the storm. It's okay to be brave but don't be TOO BRAVE!!! Take care of yourself & stay safe.

    The baseball game, no comment!!! I haven't watched pro baseball in years so I have nothing to contribute LOL. That is funny seeing as how I appear to be a sports fanatic in my posts. I really don't love sports all that much. Just the ones my kids participate in. I guess that is a momma thing.

    The comment- WOW!!! I don't know what the intent was but it could probably have been said a bit more tactfully. I suppose that is the negative to blogging. We put our whole lives on display for people to comment on. My rule of thumb is even if a disagree I usually say nothing. You can't really dive deep into peoples lives just by reading a blog. That doesn't really allow me enough info to form an opinion.

    I don't know how I would handle the situation if I were you. Possibly, let it go. Don't be bothered by comments. The 1 hour post I write a day doesn't give anyone enough information about me to truly form a "correct" opinion. Same goes with you. Why do I read your blog? I think it's interesting. I love learning about new things and people.

    Hope you have a fantastic weekend!!!

  3. I like your attitude with regards to the hurricane, the reactions I've been watching on the television do seem a tad over the top. I think I'd do the same, stock up on good food and fine wine and battern down the hatches.
    Baseball? No idea!
    I'm sorry if this person hurt you. I can't imagine anyone would knowingly try to upset you, you are a big-hearted and intelligent person and visiting you is always a joy. If I were you I'd just let it go, the person obviously must care for you or they wouldn't comment or email. x

  4. First - good luck with the storm. I'm in southern New England, so the same sort of issues abound here, though I am just like you - not worrying!
    Second - I'm sorry you are feeling hurt by that person's comment. It sounded very insensitive. I often wonder if some readers spit out a comment before reflecting upon what they want to say, so that it is not so much of a conversation they are continuing / reacting to when reading a post, but more of a spouting of words without much thought. That is what I would chalk this up to be. If she is a reader that has previously supported you, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and come to the conclusion that perhaps she is not very smart or courteous in leaving that comment, because in the end - she is the one who looks bad. I've just begun to read your blog, my dear, and come back because there is noone I have seen in the two years of blogging and blog reading like YOU. You are so unique and wonderful - I just love your honesty in tone and the positivity your posts create. And yes, noone can tell you you're not worthy of love - so I would go through the motion of feeling what you feel as an effect of this comment, but then delete it from your mind. What one person says does not reflect who you are, but who they are. We all adore you! Much love to you!

  5. {hugs} her comment simply doesn't compute...she's been reading for a year and then she leaves this comment? Women have experimented with style and how it represents gender much longer than males have. I know my husband is manly in the culturally accepted way, but I have also seen him toy with articles of my clothing in ways that are NOT culturally accepted. We simply haven't taken photos of it. Continue your bravery and don't give this troubled friend any more power than you already have.

  6. I am so sorry you received such a hurtful comment. Speaking for myself, I was first drawn to your blog because it offers something different. Let's face it, there are thousands of fun personal style blogs, but I get bored by the same formula. As I read on through your archives, I discovered a warm, sensitive, and authentic person. You bravely put yourself out there in the big scary internets every time you post, and I think that's a courageous and admirable thing. I love reading your descriptions of your outfits, and how they make you feel. I can't tell you how many times reading a post of yours has made me re-appreciate my femininity. I think it's easy for cis women like myself to take for granted and even start to resent wearing makeup and pretty clothes. Your blog is a wonderful reminder to appreciate the beauty in ourselves as women (cis or not), and I think that is a profoundly valuable thing.

    I don't think there's a right or wrong answer for how you should handle the situation. Do what will bring you the most comfort. You seem like a kind and caring person, so trusting your own intuition seems like the best course to me. Listen to yourself!

  7. I started readind because your blog seems interessting to me. After I've read a lot of your entrys(old and new) I just stayed because I love that you are much older then me and that makes you much a wise then me.
    You know that I go trough a hard time and your wisdom helps me so much.
    I think I didn't had a problem when my boyfriend would be transgendered but he isn't so I just kann guess it. But even though I don't know you in person I somekind see you as a friend because you share so much with all of us. Thank you so much for that!

  8. I'm so sorry you've had your feelings hurt. I could tell you to focus on every other positive response you have ever received and how they vastly outweigh this one negative. I could tell you I'd far rather my husband dressed in women's clothing than do the things some other men do. But I think what you actually need is time to get over the hurt of what sounds like an insensitive and badly thought through comment.

    You are right we are all worthy of love, don't lose sight of that. I read your blog because I like reading what you have to say. I won't claim to understand you, but I don't understand a lot of people in life (some days I don't understand myself), people's behaviour often bewilders me but that doesn't mean I'm not sympathetic to them or you.

    Keep posting and ignore would be my advice. The best you can hope is that the person who wrote the comment realises their error and apologises. Whether your friendship can survive the storm I'm not sure.


  9. Re: Hurricane - Stay safe. Even here in Nashville we're acclimated to storms, floods, and tornadoes, but you never know where damage will hit.

    Re: Comment - I think sometimes people can say unintentionally hurtful things. But that doesn't excuse the hurtful feelings the comment inspires. Part of blogging is recognizing the disconnect between knowing someone one, and really knowing someone. I'm not sure how I would react honestly.

    As for why I read your blog - From what I've experienced in a very short time reading and commenting, you're an amazingly giving, sweet person. You are on a similar journey to me, discovering yourself through style. While our journeys are not the same, they have the same validity. I would like to continue to support your blog because you are one of the most real Voices I read on a daily basis.

    Whether someone is worthy of love is not for any mortal being to decide. Because we all are worthy of love. I think it's amazingly wonderful that you have found a person who loves you, and you love back. A great percentage of people never find that. I think life is too short to worry about pleasing the societal norms, but instead to seek those out who will love and support you. I hope you find the support from your readers, because your blog is valuable to you and us.

  10. You are my friend, so I cannot help but feel sad that your feelings are hurt. Actually, it really pisses me off.

    You are a person who makes their living thinking about all angles of things. No doubt you've approached this comment with every logical angle, every devil's advocate point of view, every benefit of a doubt. If these are her feelings - she is of course entitled to them. What she is not entitled to do is try to make you feel like shit.

    Look, you know better than anyone that not everyone WILL be supportive of your lifestyle. That is a simple truth. But when someone whom you thought was 'on your side' suddenly turns around and slaps you in the face about it, you are *right* to feel hurt. If you were under the impression from the outset that maybe she didn't agree with it - then the sting probably wouldn't be as jarring.

    From my point of view - you have nothing to lose by making your feelings known to her. Could you be in a worse place than you are now? I would absolutely call her on it - even if you feel it wasn't said maliciously. Why is it your job to hold your tongue and carry the weight of the burden alone?

    Listen, babe - unworthy of love? Please.
    If 99 people will readily say they adore you, please try not to focus on 1 that doesn't. They are absolutely NOT more important than the rest nor do they set your value as a human being.

    You are a kind soul, a fine human being and you bring harm to no one. You give love and care, you're brave, courageous and damn it, you'd better to continue to be unapologetic about your lifestyle.

    Why do I read? Because YOU'RE worth it.

    Hugs to you, toots.


  11. My thoughts are with you and everyone who is bracing for the hurricane. You may not think it's a big deal, but I find storms like that to be utterly terrifying. Stay safe and dry this weekend.

    What an insensitive thing for someone to say. First off, good for you for deleting the comment -- this is YOUR blog and is by no means a democracy. I'm certain that you would encourage honest and respectful differences of opinion, but no one should have to deal with hurtful comments. I would've deleted it too.

    I think if it were me, I'd call her out on it if it was someone who I felt I should've been able to trust. A fellow blogger especially should know how easy it is to get hurt by negative comments. But then again, I'm not one to shy away from confrontation; I feel that when people behave badly they should suffer the consequences, otherwise they'll never change. I'd send her an email saying that her comment was hurtful and uncalled for, and that she owes you an apology. Either she'll realize her error and try to make amends, or she'll be defensive and bitchy, and you can hereafter not give a crap what she thinks. Either way it'll be settled once and for all. If it had been someone you didn't have such an established history with I'd say forget it, but this isn't just a troll who came out of nowhere, it was someone you knew.

    I read your blog because you offer a fresh and interesting perspective, and because you are brave enough to put yourself and your non-standard lifestyle out there. I appreciate the genuine voice that comes across in your writing, and I love your giddy enthusiasm for feminine things. To me you're the best of both worlds; you have access to the world of men and yet you have a reverence for the world of women. You're one of us, and yet you're a male ally too. I also have a profound admiration for people who go against the norm, because I think deep down many people want to and never get up the courage to try it. You're an important voice in the blogging community.

    You are not a freak. You are totally, 100% deserving of love. And despite the fact that there are people out there who won't understand your lifestyle choices, there are many more who will and do.

  12. Dang! I had to cut my post short earlier:

    I grew in affection for you reading about your mental/emotional processes, and love seeing the world through your eyes. And of course you deserve love, and it sounds like you've found it in your excellent wife Robin.

    The comment made me cringe... and it's hard to put a positive spin on it. The kindest interpretation is that she was expressing that she couldn't handle it if her husband "expored his feminine side". But it was pretty baldly put for that, I think. I'm not the most expressive or sensitive person, so if I'm cringing... there is a problem

  13. Ad 1: I was worried about you, it's reassuring to hear that you have experience with hurricanes! Good luck anyway.

    Ad 2: I don't really talk sports, sorry. Except tango ;)

    Ad 3: Ouch, that is so very inconsiderate of her if she meant it the way you understood it - which I think is probable but not the only possibility. Let me elaborate:

    When I read about your anniversary I was very happy for you, but - or rather, *and* - I must admit I was also amazed that your relationship persisted through your gender explorations (which I hope is an appropriate term for what you're doing). I'm truly happy for you that it did, I just feel that it's rather uncommon - that opening up about a trans identity is usually a big challenge which not all relationships survive. This isn't about judging someone as generally unworthy of love, but about thinking one knows a person and then finding out there's a huge part of that person one didn't know, and feeling that it doesn't "fit" any more. Possibly this is what the other commenter wanted to express, and she just phrased it in an awkward way? I witnessed this in the case of a m-to-f trans person in my circle of friends, who fully transitioned, officially changed her name and now presents as female to everyone, including people at work - and whose relationship at the time of her transition went to pieces during that phase. (She is now in a relationship with another friend of mine, and they're the cutest couple!)

    So... (excuses if I'm rambling!) I guess what I want to say is that you and your wife are really lucky to share so strong and stable a bond, and that I congratulate you. And that you are entirely deserving of this piece of luck!

    Also, dancing bears tend to be amazing persons :) Most of my friends are, in some way, dancing bears, and I sometimes feel almost boring in comparison to their wonderful and valuable weirdness!

    And if that wasn't clear before, let me state that I really do like you.


  14. Dear Shybiker,

    I read your blog because (like all other blogs I follow) I learn so much from your experience and I feel less alone. You're so different from me being an older man, and yet, we have so much in common: wanting to feel glamourous, not feeling like we fit any one gender stereotype, and being gentle -- which from reading your blog is how I perceive you to be. Granted, learning that you are married to a woman initially shocked me. I've never known anyone like that before in real life. BUT, I don't think it makes YOU a freak. It's something I'M not used to. Different strokes for different folks and as long as we're all TRYING to be happy and not hurting other people, why should anyone else care how we live our lives? Again, I'll keep following you because you write very well and I enjoy seeing how you get in touch with your feminine side. I am inspired by this because I have the same struggle: retaining my femininity while working in a masculine field. Keep up the good work and please don't let one bad comment stop you from continuing your blog. You have lots of fans!

  15. I love reading your posts because of the sincerity that you put into them - you are a very thoughtful and enthusiastic person. It's so nice to see how amazingly happy you are in outfit pics and I resent the fact that there are people in this world who think you should be denied that happiness.

    While this comment does sound nasty, it is strange to think that someone who has been so supportive would leave it. I would email her to figure out exactly what she meant by her words. Hopefully, it's just something that has been horribly misconstrued. If not, at least talking to her about it will help to bring closure to the whole ordeal.

  16. I read you because I am forever trying to understand people, because you're brave enough to be who you are and to expose yourself in a blog ( I admire courageous people) and yes, you're different from what I am, but different is not bad, and that's something the world still doesn't understand well. I can tell you this much. I love my couple deeply,and it is because I love him that deep that I would find the way to let him be who he really is and I would let him do what makes him happy in spite of how odd it seemed to me. He's a pastor. Some time ago he started thinking about joining the Navy to be a chaplain.It scared the guts out of me. What if he was sent to the war zone? And, how the heck did he come up with that idea anyway? He wanted that, though, so I supported him. Thank God he was too old and unfit to join the Navy and he came to terms with it. What I am trying to say is, your wife lets you be yourself because she REALLY loves you, and your happiness is all that matters to her. Selfish love is not love. As for the hurt, let it go. Freak is just a word. Queer was reclaimed as a word, and now slut is in the process of being reclaimed. Words have the value we give them. We can think freak means "other than mainstream". Pretty neutral, not offensive. What's so wrong about being different anyway?

  17. Well, you know my location and how Irene's affecting us; Alison had the National Guard knock on her door and tell her to get out yesterday morning. All the roads are closed around her, gas stations sold out, there's no more bottled water, every single hotel room is booked with people from the shore...basically mass chaos. I knew it was bad when my boss called me and said not to come to work 'cause we were closing. That guy has never closed for anything in the three years I've worked there!

    As far as that nasty comment goes - I agree, call whoever it was out on it. Having someone you thought was part of your support system mentally slap you in the face like that is jarring, and as previously stated you have nothing to lose from bringing it up to them personally. If it was a temporary loss of sanity and she apologizes you win, and if you find she wasn't who you thought she was and can rid yourself of someone not worth your time, you also win.

    I'm sorry you had to read something that upset you so much...and you have proved time and again you're worth being loved so to hell with that bullshit.

    I read your blog because you interact with your readers, talk about a broad range of subjects and are amazingly accessible given your situation. Don't let one person bring you down, 'cause the rest of us here love what you're doing.

  18. Even reading what the comment was makes me angry- it doesn't seem like something a supportive and kind person would say and I don't see the point of making someone feel bad for no reason. I read your blog because a) you are one of the most real, genuine and kind hearted fashion bloggers out there, b) you always have intelligent and interesting commentary and c) I love your outfits (especially your makeup!) and think you are so brave and strong for showcasing your true self on a public forum. When I got a negative post a few months back(basically calling me stupid and a bad representation of women) I deleted it as you did and tried to focus on the people who are truly supportive and genuine. We are all here for you and keep coming back for you, Ally, the lawyer, fashionista, friend and bike enthusiast! :)

  19. P.S. I pressed 'post comment' too soon- I hope you and your loved ones and safe during the Hurricane- I was shocked to hear that the East Coast was being hit so hard. My family lives in the east coast of Canada (Nova Scotia) and they are expecting strong winds so you are all in my thoughts.

  20. I saw that comment -- it was above mine before I left my comment on that particular post. I hadn't thought that it was nasty or malicious, and I thought that she was just being honest. I believe she meant it as a compliment to the strength of your marriage. Perhaps she could have worded it better, though.

    A friend and I offended someone during class because we were discussing girls having children at a young age. It turned out that she had had two children before 20, so she called us out and stormed out of the classroom. I felt bad at first, but you know what? I'm entitled to my own opinion. I am not going to censor myself just because I might offend someone. Obviously, this is not entirely applicable to the situation at hand, but it would be better to either ignore it or to engage her in a friendly discussion (why do you feel that way?) etc before feeling that you've been attacked.

    Personally, I enjoy reading your blog because you are bold, true to yourself, and genuine. I can also understand where the commenter was coming from about the first part. Regardless, you've always been another awesome fashion blogger creating something wonderful to me.

    Ok, I read through my comment and it doesn't really flow or make sense. I think Jennie's comment sums up what I wanted to say.

  21. Oh my gosh, I can't believe someone you know and trusted would say something like that! Intentional or not, that's not just something you throw out there to another human being.

    I read your blog (and right now, I am not reading many) because of YOU, Ally. You are a warm, kind, lovely and generous human being. You are gentle and compassionate, and I am so sorry for how hurt you are. *hug*

    I love reading about your fashion experimentation, I love seeing your evolution of style, and I love all the little odds and ends you throw in there about your real life - it's a little window into your day.

    I am eagerly awaiting the start of the NFL season - woo hoo!

  22. Could it be that the commenter is fully supportive of you, but knows in her heart that she could not be MARRIED to a man who chooses the same kind of lifestyle? In NO way does this mean that you're not worthy of love. I can look at a lot of marriages and respect them, but I can also briefly wonder to myself, "Oh my goodness! There is no way that I could live with a man who ...... (fill in the blank). They both deserve love. I just know I wouldn't be COMPATIBLE with the man.

    As you've said, this blogger is a friend, a supporter. There's no right or wrong in what you're feeling. Maybe it hit a nerve because this may be a very tender subject for you (understandably so). Lastly, I follow your blog because I like YOU. Your honesty. Your kindness and your heart. I don't understand a man's compulsion to want to dress in women's clothes. But I don't have to. I know a good heart and you have one. It's clear that your wife sees this too and adores you for it! Big hug! ~Serene

  23. wow. what the hell happened to If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all? and that doesn't even begin to describe my reaction. This was a person that you trusted, and you did not deserve that. It was a personal attack. You didn't ask her if she could be married to you -- you simply asked for her acceptance. I'm sorry for your pain.

  24. Hi Shybiker!

    I read your blog as I am Married to a man who too is transgendered. I am sorry that that person hurt you so bad. It is a delicate situation. As for me I didnt know about him and his hobby so to speak. How does being transgendered affect your relationship (if it does). Did you tell her your hobby before being married? Just thought I would ask these questions and if you prefer not to answer I understand. I am just trying to make sense of this in my brain. I have grown to understand from following your blog for a while that this is something you have always felt. I just want to understand my husband more.
    You are a good man shybiker!

  25. P.S I dontthink your a freak! It woud have hurt me if said to me too!

  26. Thank you, guys, for your responses. The warmth of your words makes me feel much better. My goal in sharing this unpleasantness with you was to gain perspective and you've given that to me. You really are a great bunch of sweet people.

  27. 1. I have no doubt at all that you'll stay safe. And I'm a worry wart. If there was a real chance you were in danger, I'd know. Trust me.

    2. I had no idea the Mets were such a great team.

    3. As a person who has offended plenty of people in her life time, I'll tell you something I'm sure you already know: some people stay stuff they don't mean. They also word stuff wrong. And of course, you can't hear the intended inflection or tone of a statement that pops up on your monitor. I'm not sticking up for Miss Mysterious Commenter, but I want to point out the obvious that it's very possible she didn't mean it how you took it. Plus, c'mon, you know deep down that you're worthy of love! 15 people telling you otherwise won't change that. :)

    Oh, and I read your blog because I like you. Simple as that. I find my oddities elsewhere on the internetz. ;)

  28. Thanks, Ashley; I know what you're saying and always accept the variability of expression.

    Anonymous: Since I've always known this about myself, I've told every woman I dated seriously about it explicitly at the very outset of relationships. They were entitled to the information not just to prevent later surprise but also because it's such an important part of who I am. You can't really know me if you don't know this aspect of me.

  29. Ally,
    You are an inspiration to me, and I love reading your blog. I am also transgendered but am not yet "out", so I have not experienced any negative comments yet, but I believe you are a very strong person and can get through this.
    I love that you are educating people about us through your blog. I am glad to have you represent us!


  30. Thanks Shybiker, I love this man! HE is a wonderful man who has given me a beautiful child. I have to except hime for who he is and it doesnt really bother me. I think it is what other people think to be honest what bothers me. Time for me to change the way I think. Thankyou for your reply.

  31. Oh wow... The road to hell is paved with good intentions! I'm a lot like Ashley - too honest, up to the point of hurting people's feelings... But when I saw that comment I was convinced that this person is not your friend. If it were me, I'd email her asking for her reasons of being so rude, mean and unthoughtful. And after the first shock I wouldn't bother anyway. Because I don't appreciate mean and selfish people. The world is full of them unfortunately. People who are kind, thoughtful, supportive and understanding are my kind of people. You are such a person. You're in touch with your feelings and your feminine side and there's nothing wrong there... Please don't feel bad at all, you certainly don't deserve this.
    Your blog is so cute and interesting! It's refreshing and I feel like I'm in high-school again when I read about your efforts of understanding female life!! (I mean... a prom night? Cool!). At the same time, I can see beautiful pics and articles written with care about interesting topics! (not baseball though! Hahaha). You're doing a terrific job and I can't help but admire your frankness and courage... I guess it comes with a prize - you also attract narrow minded little people, who think that the world revolves around them! GET A FREAKIN' LIFE INSTEAD!!!! And if you ever hurt my friend Ally's feelings again - I'll hunt you down personally! (trust me, you don't want crazy greeks after you dear!)

    P.S. - I'm glad you're calm about the tornado thing. I was really scared and worried, we don't get extreme weather here. Please email me, when it's over and you're safe! Kisses :)

  32. Ralph, I read your blog because I think you are an amazing person. Your candor has always inspired me. That you can be open and honest about a difficult subject is truly inspiring. I did not see the comment or know how exactly it was worded, but I would be willing to bet she didn't mean to hurt you. Sometimes, when you are candid in your posts, commenters try to be equally candid in their responses. But there can be a fine line between being straight and being hurtful. I bet she doesn't even know she crossed the line. I know this will bother you forever unless you confront the person, so I think you should send her an e-mail. If she hasn't figured it out already and e-mailed you.

    You do have a unique situation. You and Robin are both very special people. Yes, I DO mean special in a good way. I hope you can get this sorted out. I also hope you don't let the comment impact you in a negative fashion even if she did mean to hurt you. There are an awful lot of readers out there, including me, who obviously love you just the way you are. Don't change a thing!

    Sending big virtual hugs your way!

  33. Thanks, everyone. All of your thoughts help me, both in understanding this situation and in feeling better.

    Plus -- and I didn't anticipate this -- your frank explanations about how you perceive my blog are incredibly useful to me. They let me see my blog through YOUR eyes. That is hugely valuable to me. Thanks!

  34. Hurricane: Yea people here haven't been absurd thank goodness, and we all sort of laughed about it an poured another glass of wine. It was nothing compared to what we've seen before. I'm just crossing my fingers that the MTA stays down so I can have another day off hahahaa.
    Mets: IM A METS FAN TOO!!!!!!!!! I miss Shea though. I haven't been to CitiField but I have tickets for a game on the 31st. Remember when the Braves were awesome and the rivalry Braves-Mets was like a battle to the death? I wish they didn't suck, but according to my friends who are more knowledgeable than me, they are going to be doing kind of bad for awhile because they can't afford any good players or something...I dunno I only paid attention to half of what they were saying. Also, I don't hate the Phillies, their fans are awful though when they get into that "we're better than you" mode. UGHH.
    On the third point: Being candid does not mean you should not choose your words carefully. Blending truth with compassion can be difficult, but in writing it should be considered even more carefully. While I can understand how people might think your blog being so public might be a strange place for what you call your "deviance," I'm not so sure that its a deviance or that you shouldn't be doing it. This is your life and you are willing to share some parts of it with a very female skewing audience for feedback and support in lieu of having that female bonding you craved in the past and can make up for it now. I think you're pretty damn cool, and I keep reading your blog because you're thoughtful and smart and inquisitive (and cause you're a pink toe-nail polish loving Long Islander Mets fan just like me). Do you think maybe she meant that she wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with him and it came out as something entirely different and much worse? Love comes in so many forms, and if someone you committed to and love says they want to do something that will change the dynamic of the relationship doesn't mean that the love isn't there, it means that it shifts. (how many times do relationships end because of distance or difference in opinions...but not for lack of love??) Everyone deserves love. Including you!

  35. Don't hate on Philly fans saying things like our team is better than yours...we're only stating facts ;)

  36. I read, and find fascinating your blog, because I believe in anybody who dares.
    It is normal to feel hurt, but you have to analise it from another angle perphaps...
    You know she doesn´t mean to hurt,she might even mean well, why do you allow the comment to take away your peace of mind?
    Talk to yourself and take one of the following paths: 1.- let go- 2.- let her know how you feel kindly, and then let go.

  37. Dear Ally and dear Ralph, I am so sorry your feeling were hurt by your friends comments. I think the hurt comes from the fear that you are somewhere afraid that you are unworthy of love, which intellectually you know full well that you are worthy of love. Because we all know that love doesn't exclude us "freaks." I'm glad you are aware that the comment wasn't intended to be malicious, in fact I'm going to put myself out of a limb and tell you that it in fact wssn't directed at YOU. People say shit that has more to do with their situation, we talk more about ourselves than others, even when we are talking about others.

    Let your feelings be hurt; they will recover. I've long ago stopped thinking my friends won't disappoint me, I just accept who they are, who I am and all of our human frailities and failings that come with living this life. Feelings are temporary, the good and the bad part of feelings- they are all transitory. You will recover from your pain because this is an opportunity to process your inner fear that what she said applies to you. Which you know in your head does not. Now its time for your heart to process this fact and take this opportunity to release yourself from your fear, and trust that you indeed are already loved, in fact loved so intently by the universe, by your/my version of god, that you've afforded yourself the luxury to be a "freak," and accept and give love in a way that is deliciously original, unique and bespoked who is already magnificently and perfectly loved.

    xo to you. Be safe in the storm. -Bella Q

  38. 1. Glad you survived the hurricane! A dear friend of mine in NY wrote me an email about evacuations and how crazy the local kmart was. You know it's bad if there's chaos at the local target's and kmart's.
    2. booooo. I went to college in Atlanta, so I'm a fairweather Atlanta fan. Go Braves! Also, Blue Smoke is nice, but for real soul food, try Dinosaur BBQ in Harlem. :)
    3. :( I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. It's so difficult when feelings are inadvertently hurt. Yet, just because the intention wasn't one of malice, it doesn't negate the fact that your feelings weren't hurt. Sometimes people (and good people) say hurtful things out of ignorance or in haste. I'm not sure why she wrote what she did, but maybe she just screwed up and made a mistake?

    For me, I read your blog because I find it insightful and interesting. I discovered it while I was at my last job, and it's one of the few style blogs that I have continued to religiously read. At my last job, I found myself in a "fashion editor" position, and I, in no way, felt knowledgeable about fashion. Like you, so much about the job entailed exploring personal style and femininity. The thing is that there are a lot of women wearing cute modcloth-sponsored clothing on their blogs. I love how your blog is really (pardon the cliche) a breath of fresh air amongst a sea of cookie cutter style blogs....

    Also, I think it's pretty badass that Tim Burton's Peewee is one of your favorite movies. :)

  39. Wow, lots of comments which just shows you how much support you have. What I love about your blog is that it truly shows all aspects of you. Which is so well rounded, educated and intelligent, thoughtful and sweet and spunky. And which is exactly why you are loved by many in your life (I am certain). You are the proof not you can never judge someone by one aspect of their lifestyle. It is always the total picture. And if you truly love someone you love most aspects of that person and learn to accept the aspects you are not thrilled with.
    For that reader to give that comment I am sorry but shows she might be a bit single minded. Which a lot of prejudice people are. I truly can not stand prejudicism (sp?) of any kind. You were smart to delete it. And I would say go further than that and try to forget about it.
    I hope you can.

  40. I'm so sorry somebody hurt your feelings, Ally. Would it be wrong (or just honest?) to say that I like you BECAUSE you are a freak???

  41. I read your blog because I am totally in love with you as a person. I love your intelligence, your wit, your strength, your sense of self, your physical attractiveness (obviously), your awesomeness, your bad-assness, your lovability, your fashion ... I love everything about you, and I am being totally, 100000% serious.

    It makes me really mad that someone would say something like that comment -- even in jest. Joking like that over the internet is tricky because there is no sense of vocal tone or facial expression. Even if she was joking, it's hurtful. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed.

    I can beat her up, if you want.
    Just offering.
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  42. Firstly, hope you remail safe during the hurricane!

    And oh no at that comment! Rest assured we all love you and your blog. You're an inspiration and shouldn't take that to heart at all. The blogging world is an amazing place, filled with great people, so I think you should ignore it as best you can and remember all the other wonderful bloggers.

  43. Wow, guys, these are some of the best, most insightful and kind words I've ever read. Thank you.

    Bella, you really hit the nail on the head. You're the best!

    Michelle, Dinosaur BBQ is my favorite! I go there all the time.

    Bonnie, thanks for the love and protection. I'd count on you in a bar-fight.

    Doe, thanks. I'm proud to be deviant. Calling me that doesn't hurt me.

  44. Hi honey! I just saw this blog entry this morning.

    1. I hope you're ok after the storm. Did anything bad happen?

    2. I've been to Shea and just recently to the new citifield. The new park is SO much better. I thought it was gorgeous. You will have many years of fun in that ballpark. Win or lose.

    3. Oh my. I would be hurt too, honey. That's awful even if she didn't mean it to be. So, I would say, it's totally worth saying something to her if you are invested in the friendship. If she means something to you. It's always best to be upfront and process uncomfortable shit. That's just me. But if it's not that important, just drop it. I mean, she will most likely read this post and hopefully she will be upset with herself and she will contact you. Either way, I hope it works out and you can have some closure around this issue. (my psychotherapy takling) I love you and you are wonderful and that's why I come back here everyday to check up on you!


  45. I'm not reading any of the previous comments because I do not want them to inform what I say here goes. We are all unique, quirky, individual people and we are ALL worthy of love and acceptance for who we are. The thought that you are just a freak show to watch makes my heart hurt. I can't speak for others, but I have spent much of my life feeling alone and not "good enough", so I think I understand on some small level what you feel, although it seems that your journey has been much less conventional than my own. Please, please, please know that the things I say to you and the affection I feel for you is honest and genuine.

    I believe that when someone is hurtful that pain is more of a reflection of what's going on with them, perhaps this person feels some self loathing and you are in some way a reflection of their own hurt and internal pain? Does that even make sense?

    Sending light and love your way,

  46. While I would NEVER intend to minimize your feelings on any matter, I have to agree with Poet, Kathryn, and Serene on this one...I remember seeing that comment as well and actually had intended to email you asking you how it made you feel and hoping to reassure you that I thought her motivations were pure in spite of how it might have come across. I truly got the impression that she was trying to applaud Robin and the strength of your marriage. I really felt like she was saying she accepts YOU wholeheartedly but that she was being honest enough to say the same situation might not work in her own marriage. I think P, S, and K said it all, so I don't have much more to add to what they said; just wanted to lend my two cents on the impression I got when I read it. I can see why you interpreted it the way you did for sure. But I think this is just a case of things coming across differently than they were intended. I can't even remember who it was that said it, but I do remember I've seen enough supportive comments from her to believe she'd never have meant it the way it sounded. I think it was a backhanded compliment without meaning to be backhanded.

    As far as how to let go of the hurt...that's a tougher question because you can't always just flip a switch. But I think I'd suggest approaching her about it. Sometimes friendship means being honest enough to say "you hurt me" and allowing the other person to explain their side and then agreeing to put it behind you. If it were me, I would probably need that closure or else I'd continue to associate the person with the feeling. But that's just me!

    To answer your last question, you already know my answer, but let me reaffirm it anyway. We're friends simply because I LIKE YOU.

  47. Like you, I would have deleted the comment.

    I admire your courage in discussing the issue! Seriously. If it were me I probably would have been so overwhelmed I would have shut down my blog, and climbed back in my shell -- (But I have issues, I admit.)

    But seriously, does it matter if one's intentions are "pure"? The fact is the comment was hurtful and goodness knows there's enough of that in the world, so why entertain that sort of thing on your lovely blog? Kick her/him to the curb, I say!

    Needless to say, it is inevitible that there will be rude and otherwise ignorant bloggers posting comments. The worst part I think is sometimes we open our hearts and such comments catch us off guard...

    I hope you're OK. I didn't get a chance to read through the rest of the replies, but will do so now.


  48. Why do i read your blog?

    Its a day to day telling through the eyes of you at that very moment what is going on in your life. Whether it is good, bad, troubling, You are expressing yourself to the world.
    the transition that i have seen over the years of you is wonderful, and I want to be able to keep up, and keep a piece of you always in my heart, since I rarely get to talk to you and feel like i gave up on you a long time ago..even though that is so far from the truth...
    Do I like you? YES i really do
    Do i find you a dancing bear for my amusement? YES we all are. Anyone who writes a blog is subjected to the backlash, the comments, the people who will say things whether good or bad. We thrive on the attention and the uplifting nature of positivity, but in everywhere there will be negativity which brings us down.
    We are all fools for writing out most intimate details of ourselves, but we do it for a specific reason..validation, and attention. we all want to know that no matter what someone out there either agrees with us..or we are not alone...
    Ally, this blog shows that you are not alone at all..You are loved by many...even if you will never see the many people here ever. There are those you will, and those who will forever be a screen name. But its something to keep us happy. All of us.

    My Advice..Confront the person who upset you. Tell them the truth. You already told the why dont you actually tell them.
    Its easy to write about it without using names or without telling them. i wonder how many people guessed or thought the post might have been reflected on them. i know i am one of those people who thought it was directed to me.
    be upfront. What the worst that can happen? if it escalates into something bad..You have the power to delete the post or banned them from your blog...A very powerful authority indeed.
    Tell them and be honest..and maybe they can explain to you why they said it the way they did..
    Its hard because in this media...words come out so different when not with actions, tone, intention and gestures to back it up...

    good luck on this...
    As far as the hurricane i can go on and on about it..
    and the mets i could care less I skipped right to number 3...the real reason you wanted people to respond to.

  49. I know this is an older post, but I am reading through now, and I wanted to tell you that you are worthy of love, and if I discovered that my husband wanted to cross dress, I would not stop loving him. It would change our relationship and we might not be the best fit anymore if he sought surgery, but he would still be worthy of love and I would hope dearly in my heart that he would find it.