Sunday, October 7, 2012

Rejection


I know I'm not a typical fashion-blogger so I can't universalize my experiences.  There's something I'd like to check with you guys on.

Have you ever been ignored by another blogger?  Turned down in a bid for friendship?

When I first joined the fashion-blogging community, I didn't know what to expect.  I certainly didn't expect that people would welcome me with open arms.  Surprisingly and happily, many did.  My first encounters were friendly, warm and supportive.  That encouraged me to make more and more online friends, which I've done with enthusiasm.

That positive response lulled me into a belief that everyone would be nice to me.  But... they aren't.  Some bloggers ignore me despite my eager efforts to befriend them.  I don't push strangers into becoming my friend because I know you can't force a friendship and I don't want to be pushy. 

On the other hand, I will be patient and hang around to see if someone changes their mind.  One person, who ignored me for months, later became one of my closest friends.  She explains she was initially apprehensive about who I am.  She later lowered her castle-gate when she became comfortable after seeing me on her friends' blogs.

I realize that strangers don't know me at first and may not want to discover who I really am.  Suspicion due to my public gender-identity can have that effect.  I view it as a disability I need to work hard to overcome.  It's one of the hurdles in my life.

What I'm curious about is your online-experience -- are you ever ignored by other bloggers?  Do you ever find yourself rebuffed by someone you'd like to know as a friend?  If so, how do you handle the rejection?

Personally, I'm very sensitive and emotional.  It's easy to hurt my feelings.  I've been disappointed by rejections like this but, after crying to myself, I move on.  I figure if someone doesn't want me making supportive comments on their blog, so be it.  It's their loss. 

What's your emotional reaction to rejection?

52 comments:

  1. I'm ignored quite a bit, but I don't really let it faze me. I guess I assume my blog is just a little blip on the huge blogosphere and I'm surprised when I get any attention at all! But I'm very glad when I get a response :)

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  2. It's funny, thinking that electronic interactions will somehow sting less if they're negative or be less of a high if its unexpected interaction from a "big name". That somehow the connection isn't as intense either way just because the other person isn't right there with you. But, that's soooo not the case. Elation of attention is something to be privately reveled in and illy absorbed. And a snippy comment lingers and festers. Because you can't walk away from the meanie and be done. It there in black and white.
    Either way, revel in the fun of the community! You're an amazing and thoughtful addition!

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    1. Thanks, Kate. And you're so right about how online interactions are as intense as real-world ones.

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  3. I feel rejected quite a bit, actually, and sometimes I wonder if there is something I do wrong. It makes me almost too shy to comment or reply to tweets of people I follow. And sometimes, rarely but it happens, without warning, long-time blog friends seem to just stop talking to me, and I get sad over it. But it's because I personally am overly sensitive. And I hate snippy comments!

    I like your blog and I pop in and lurk sometimes. Also, a few months ago you recommended a book to me called "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues Sometimes" and I went and bought it. I haven't read it yet, but I bought it because I wanted to.

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    1. Thanks, Meghan, for sharing. I appreciate your visiting.

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  4. I hope that I haven't made you feel this way! This post struck a nerve with me because there actually is a "clique" of bloggers that I would dearly love to be a part of. Realistically, I recognize why I'm not...and yet these are women I've tried overly hard with. And then I have to ask myself why I've tried that hard.

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    1. Questioning our own motives is important. ((hug))

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    2. Terri, you are so utterly fantastic that any group should feel privileged to have you. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to include you.

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  5. While I am not a "fashion" blogger (though I do have my own "fashion" blog), I can surely speak about rejection, as I blog about all kinds of things. There is no more horrible feeling than to be cast aside by a community or by a society. We either try to fit in or stand out. Either method can be tough depending on what kinds of people you're around and who you feel you are trying to impress. Most of the people I've encountered were warm and genuine (except for the occasional spammer who'll post suspicious material or suspiciously try to access my blog(s)).

    As far as blogging is concerned, I don't really care trying to tell people to visit my material. I link to my material, and I only hope people can have a visit; and if they like what they see, they can choose to follow, subscribe, and all that stuff. I don't force anyone into doing anything with my work.

    So all I'd recommend is to keep trying if you are wanting to befriend a fellow blogger. Or maybe the person just isn't into you no matter how hard you try to befriend someone. This is otherwise a great post by you.

    johnbmarine.blogspot.com

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  6. I was more sensitive when I first started. I commented in sincerity for months on a daily basis with one particular blogger but eventually gave up. She's close to my age too so I figured we'd end up following each other. But, regardless of my sincere efforts I came up without the returned appreciation after a very long time. That's okay to me now though. I know we just get busy and can't respond to every compliment we get. I tried my best, and that's all we can do. Sometimes we just have to have a bit of a tough exterior, as my dad use to suggest. So, I've learned to just say "F it!" sometimes.

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    1. Good thoughts, Joni. Yes, I try to cut other bloggers slack for not wanting to be my friend and I try to develop tougher skin, but I still mourn the friendships that could be but aren't.

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  7. I'm probably overly sensitive and want everyone to like me...or at least not say anything that would hurt my feelings. I've gotten used to the fact that some bloggers don't reply to their comments and so I don't take that personally. I usually don't reach out and try to make "friends", but do try to be "friendly". I'm kind of a loner so I don't care if anyone wants to be my best buddy....just as long as people are nice to me. lol
    I'm sorry you're feeling rejection and that it upsets you. Hugs.

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  8. I think I am still in "lurker" status, so I am still working out the etiquette myself. I read fashion blogs and ignore my poor little poetry/fiction blog, and I haven't posted many responses, so I don't know really how blogging relationships work. I have noticed that I see groups of people who seem to comment on each others' blogs and are friendly.

    What I do know is that you write a lovely blog and wonderful, sweet comments, and (as often appears in comments to you) you have awesome legs! When someone hurts my feelings, the first thing I do is pout, and then after my sweetie-pies are asleep, I watch a movie with a mutated alien shark ghost, and then I tell them off a couple of times in the mirror and then I decide that they are worse at the people interacting thing than I am, and I feel better. (this can take like a week though...I recommend skipping the pouting part.)

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    1. Thanks, Heidi, for the good advice. I find I can't skip the pouting part -- it's my way to release sadness so I can get past the sting of rejection.

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  9. I think rejection hurts in any shape or form, but you should take the positives from your wonderful & enlightening blog.
    Happy Monday Hun xoxo
    http://www.intotheblonde.com/

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  10. Rejection hurts, but at the same time it reminds me to think about why I'm commenting. Am I commenting because I truly find the post insightful or the outfit inspiring, or am I doing it in the hopes of getting the blogger to notice me?
    I guess it helps me to have low expectations as well. That may sound horrible (especially for those of us who are overachievers), but I blog for my own style growth and for fun. I'm still evolving style-wise and figuring out what works, so it's a pleasant surprise to have some kind folks drop by now and then to comment. :)

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  11. I remember that rejection moment of my blogging life but it was very short as of me it was mostly not for complements or respond. If you are sort of having a friend in blogger world - that's cool and such (I read you on my best possible daily basis for example) but if not... I give comments without asking something in return.

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  12. In my early days of blogging I got sucked in by quite a few comments all along the lines of " I really love your blog, check mine out too and lets follow each other!" So I would follow the other person only to discover pretty quickly that they had no interest in me or my blog, or anything other than gaining followers. So I followed suit and abandoned them too, not that they'd notice. Now I only follow blogs I have a genuine interest in reading. I have worked for years on developing thicker skin and I am better at not taking things too personally, but transparent idiocy still annoys me!

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  13. Great post Ally :)

    I think I may be too new at the whole blogging thing, or I'm really not taking it all personally enough. To tell the truth if anyone at all responds to any of my posts I get a huge kick out of it as I dont think it's that great and it's really just a thing for me.

    But I understand what you mean about rejection, I get feelings like that in real life all the time and I have had to learn to toughen up or at least tell myself that I'm just imagining it. Sometimes you do get snubbed by people and all I can say is dont let them upset you, they are missing out on the greatness that can come of being a part of your life.

    Ally I love it when you comment on my blog, you always make me feel special and I love following your blog. Even though I dont always comment cause I know nothing about fashion, I know about the people I like and you are one of them so I'll always check your posts and see what exciting things you've been up to.

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    1. Thank you, Brenda. That's so sweet of you to say.

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  14. Maybe I am too old. Maybe I have gotten jaded or developed a thick skin. The only times I have been truly hurt were in face to face situations. Like the time a coworker was friendly and then just stopped being friendly. As for you, I admit to needing to be careful, not because of your dressing thing but because I am unused to seeing a man on the blogs. So I just am careful. But I have checked out your blog several times before following and if anyone has a problem with another blog, they can do the same. I think you are fun and interesting and I'm glad I went ahead.

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    1. Thanks, Judy. I'm glad to see you here!

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  15. What a good read. There are cliques of bloggers who tend to stick together and not interact with newcomers and at first I used to find it hurtful but over time I've found my own tribe. x

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  16. Well it happens!Bloggers tend to pretend to be your friends and then reject you, when they find a 'better' blogger than you!
    Individuality hm..any second thoughts? :P
    You are fabulous, dont pay attention to anyone!
    xo

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  17. I was much more sensitive when I first started blogging, but after I found my groove I also started finding the nice people out there too. It just took a little time. I have had some people ignore me so I eventually just move on from their blog. Figure there's no use in wasting my time in those cases.

    I'm glad that I met you and I think you're a wonderful person, and I hope that you don't let the others get you down too much!

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  18. Pretty timely for me. I feel very much outside the circle of "popular kids" in blogland. I feel like I make efforts, but very few of them are reciprocated. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but when I get into a depressive cycle (especially when coupled with PMS) it can be a bit much.

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  19. I can relate to this too. I think it takes time sometimes...to see what develops, just like real-life friendship.
    I am sometimes hesitant to reach out myself. In blogland, I try to be extra careful because there are some bloggers that aren't what I call "real-life bloggers". They're just a front for a business promotion. I also don't respond to blog friend request from anyone under the age of 18, because I'm uneasy about it. I'm not really into building blog friendships just to build my numbers....I want to enjoy the blog too.
    I have followed some blogs for a long time and been rejected, and it doesn't feel good, but I don't let it bother me too much. My blog is not slick and polished and I don't wear model fab outfits. I'm real and I just figure that those looking for something slick won't like me.
    I'm not a fan of those slick productions. I have a small following and I'd like to have more, but I enjoy the blog friends I have; they're loyal and beautiful and real.

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  20. Been there.
    Yes, there are about 2 or 3 bloggers that I have made an effort with and just hit the wall.
    I guess like in high school and like Freeda says, in blogland there is also a group of popular kids...
    In my case, I still hang around- to be honest I am not that good dealing with rejection.
    I am the one who keeps on trying!

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  21. Ah, I know rejection all too well. My first emotion is hurt, then anger and then finally I realize it's better off because there's a reason it happened and I'm better off and destined for bigger and better things.

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    1. I echo Megan's thoughts. You tend to learn and move on. You can't force someone to be or stay your friend!

      ∞ © tanvii.com ∞

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  22. Yes, I've been ignored by bloggers. Sometimes it upsets me: such as in situations where I know that the said blogger and I have started our blogs around the same time, and they some how got a little luckier than I did. I just want to be friends, not steal your 30,000+ followers! Or when they were bloggy friends at one point, and then got big, and now ignore me...

    At other times, I don't let it bother me. Some bloggers are just too big for their own good, you know? They can't sit down an respond to all of their 200+ comments... I have reached out the bloggers I truely admire through e-mail, and never gotten a response. That stings a little. But, what can I do?

    I see the little cliques, and I've noticed that it's usually only happening with the "pro" bloggers..

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  23. I try very hard to maintain my blog friends. I want to meet and comment on as many blogs as I possibly can. There's definitely some bloggers out there I'd love to know on a more friendly basis, but I've let my friendships develop naturally. I am exceedingly grateful at the lack of negativity on my blog. I'm thankful for the positivity that people bring to it.

    I feel bad thinking any one may feel rejected by me. I try very hard to at least read every blog I can. I can't always comment, but I try to leave something. I admit I am more likely to befriend those who want to swap, email, or leave a little more of themselves in comments. I find IRL friends very hard to keep.

    I also have particular things I want to achieve out of my blog. I'll freely admit, if someone is a self-proclaimed "Mommy blogger" I'm going to feel less like I can connect with them. I don't have kids, I am not intending to. I respect people's rights to be parents, but it's hard for me to relate to that or fashion-blogs turned pregnancy blogs.

    I want to preface that with it has happened to many, many blogs I follow. If I already have a basis of friendship with that person, great! I keep following. If I didn't have a friendship, I'll probably unfollow.

    Cliques absolutely exist in the blog world like the real world. Sometimes you happen to be a person who gets on with somebody in both places. I have known many people in the real world who I would have loved to be friends with but they have SO MANY friends, their time priority was never going to come over to me or another developing friendship if it wasn't realistically worth more to them.

    Anyway to sum up, I do always try to make an effort with someone who wants to get to know me. I hope everyone can remember to turn on their email-response, make profiles public, or leave a link in their comment if they want people to contact them. I frequently get comments that I cannot find a link back to the person or cannot find an email to respond to.

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  24. ^ ^ ^ Great comment from Megan Mae. Saying everything I want to, partic the third para. Ally, it's ok to pout (hell, I do it enough too), but I would try not to take it to heart too much. It happens to me IRL too (e.g. I really like my colleague, why can't get them to come for a coffee etc etc). All my friendships are important to me, regardless of whether they are virtual or IRL. Sending you a blog-hug.

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  25. I am so sorry you had such experiences. Rejection is never easy digitial or in person.
    Just like to everything else in my life I a bit less sensitive. After 5 or so of personal comments I post on certain blogs if I never get a response I simply move on. I might still visit them from time to time cause I like their style but I won't waste my time posting a comment. And I am always touched when some very very popular blog owners visit and comment on my blog and say something interesting which shows they also read what I wrote.
    Some people are quick to judge too. As you are a unique blogger that happens more often with you I am sure. I despise people that put labels and pass on judgements without getting to know the individual. In all honesty shows lack of class and education and culture in my opinion. You deserve better. Disregard them and their ignorance!

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  26. Her loss. I've been ignored by tons of bloggers. I wrote someone a very sweet email. She lives near me and i thought we could get together and fashion geek out. She never ever responded. It totally hurt my feelings. As a result, I do my best to respond to every email.

    xoxo,
    Tracy

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  27. I'm honestly a bit too sensitive to rejection once. Someone left a mean comment once about one of my outfits back in my early days of blogging, and I felt upset and depressed for days. It was a total stranger who wasn't worth my time, but it still affected me.

    As far as someone ignoring you, sometimes people just mean well but get too busy. I know I've received e-mails before that I intended to reply to, but then they just got buried in my inbox.

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  28. I don't always respond to comments as some of them do not seem to require a response. Some that I would like to respond to do not have a valid email attached to their comment. It takes a lot of time to read and comment on blogs, so maybe the person is not really ignoring you, but instead is overwhelmed. (I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.) I try to comment on as many blogs as I can and I really don't expect a response unless I ask a specific question.

    I do know what you mean about being rebuffed and it does hurt. It makes me wonder why they seem to respond to some but not others. Am I not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough? I recently contacted one person to tell them I wanted to send them something I thought they would like. I did not even get a response. I mean really? I was going to give them something and they could not take the time to respond?

    I would hope though that if someone thinks I am not treating them right, they would contact me and ask me why. I would never intentionally ignore someone, but I am sure I have before because of my danged email program which puts junk in my regular mail and regular mail in my junk.

    I remember when I first became aware of you and I too was a bit unsure of your intentions. As soon as I saw Megan Mae had commented on your blog, I knew you had to be a good person. I have really enjoyed getting to know you and also enjoyed your thoughtful posts.

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    1. Thanks, Debbi, for a helpful response.

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  29. I've been blogging a long time now (going on 5 years) and I've seen so many people come and go. Bloggers burn out; readers stop commenting; people stop following you. And you don't know why, and the tendency is to blame oneself: I must have done something.

    But life is so busy! People change...they move...they get different jobs. One woman I used to know - I think she died of cancer.

    Which is all to say that you shouldn't take it personally. Some people are better in this environment, better at being genuinely interested in other people, in getting to know them. And as has been said, it takes a long time to read and comment on blogs, AND to blog. I know I feel guilty when I've had a busy week and all I can do it post my own outfits. I miss not reading my friends' blogs, and I know I've missed finding commenters' links and going to their blogs to thank them for posting.

    I don't remember when I found you, but it was early, and you were so sweet and thoughtful. Although I don't always comment, I do always read and visit you when I can.

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  30. I haven't experienced this yet, but I can see how it can happen so easily. My cautious behavior keeps me lurking but I so often see situations where a commenter is trying so very hard to be interactive but the blogger goes on to only respond to commenters who have a large following. It's elitist behavior and quite sickening. I have many unkind things I would love to say to these people, but in the end the frustration is nothing but wasted energy. I suppose I'd say allowing yourself to feel rejected is much the same.

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  31. I'm not going to rewrite what everyone has already said ... so I'm going to echo on
    Sheila's comment, Debbies comment and Delphinaluxe.

    I've been blogging since 2001 ... boy have a seen some things, but I must say as Delphinaluxe said ... there is a lot of elitist behaviour in the blogging community and I'm not only referring to Style/Fashion bloggers!

    Hugs to you my sweet friend ... don't let it get to you too much.

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  32. Thank you for talking about this aspect of blogging, Ally. Since I so recently shifted from long-time lurker to blogger / commenter, there are a lot of "too soon to tells." It takes time to build trust, and I know my new-ness is a factor, as are my associated ignorance-related-errors and just-learnings on both the technical and interactive etiquette fronts. I have such appreciation for people who've had the time and patience to be so helpful to me.

    I am thrilled beyond words that some of my favourite-favourite bloggers are becoming particular friends. It's totally okay that there are just as many if not more who are not, regardless of my wishes or invitations, or with whom a connection has already been fleeting. I know that my own non-blogging life is incredibly busy and often overwhelming, and that I simply offer what I have the capacity to offer - I understand that others do as well, and also respect that they may not be looking to build friend relationships. Their responses to me or lack thereof may be entirely personal or not at all, but in any case are entirely up to them.

    It pains me that I no longer have time to respond to every single comment (as I really enjoyed to do so), or the ability to leave an in-depth comment on every single post I love by the bloggers I've connected with, and that I have to choose where to direct my limited energies. Thank you for the wise reminder that we are all vulnerable to hurt and disappointment.

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  33. It's an interesting idea, to be sure. I tried for a while to cultivate a bloggy friendship with some of the uber-popular bloggers, but wasn't surprised when I never got a response. These ladies blog full-time and have thousands of followers. I got it.

    That being said, I myself tend to ignore anyone who leaves generic comments like, "Oh, your pictures are so pretty! Follow me back? [insert link]"

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  34. I feel the same as you. I totally take it personally. i don't get why ppl don't like me. I quit doing style posts because 1--tight budget 2--my job is very casual dress, so it's jeans everyday. i lost a lot of followers that way. i'm not a "personal" blogger, so i don't get much love from that niche either. i love cooking blogs (food porn lol) but since i don't cook. i don't get viewers there either. the beauty community are already experts and don't need my advice.
    i feel like i don't fit in in blogland, and that i only get comments bc they are returning the favor. it doesn't diminish my love of blogging though. i *have* to blog--to get all this out, almost like it's cathartic.

    btw i saw a billboard and about had a wreck bc i was convinced it was your legs!!! ;)

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  35. Ally, you want me to punch out anybody that's hurt your feelings? 'Cause I totes will ;P

    Seriously, I comment on lots of blogs by bloggers that seem to ignore me. For a while I felt a little rejected, even like I just don't have great enough style for some peeps, and then I thought, "The heck with it. I will comment if I feel so moved, because I want to, with no expectation of any return."

    I do read all my comments, respond to some, start private email convos for others, and try to follow as many blogs as I can while working full-time and chauffeuring The Teen. I really treasure the wonderful friendships I've made and someday hope we'll all have our own li'l bloggers' meetup IRL. So, the positives have far outweighed any perceived negatives to date.

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  36. Are you a Pisces? I am. And yes, I get a little hurt. Not too much because I am a grownup, or so I'd like to believe. Eventually if someone doesn't respond to my comments on their blog, I figure, oh well, it's not a match. It's happened a few times.

    Umm, so do you want to comment on my blog? I've been looking for you. I know time is limited and I'm not taking it personally. I figured maybe you didn't resonate with my style choices or maybe I've been a little too intense in some of my comments. I'd love it though if you'd occasionally come by and say hello. I think you're really smart and you like a lot of the people I like. I promise I won't bite.

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  37. Oh noes! I totally understand how you feel though. I get that a lot of the "bigger bloggers" get a TON of comments a day and don't have time to go through all of them and respond, but it does hurt when you feel a connection with a certain post or aspect of another person's blog and leave a heartfelt comment and never get a response. There are 2-3 bloggers in particular who I would love to talk to because I feel like half of the time I am reading about my own life on their blogs, but sadly, that is not the case. I am thankful for blogging friends like you who I can talk to and even be facebook friends with! I hope you don't let them get to you too much, the turds!

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  38. I don't know that I've ever felt rejected by other bloggers. But… I don't know that I generally approach commenting or reading blogs in the same way that I am surmising you do. It sounds like you are looking for community, to be a part of a larger group, to be one of the girls. Is that right?

    I often operate as an island, in the blogosphere and in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I don't have great friends or that I don't adore or appreciate people and other bloggers. Actually, it's quite the opposite. I'm just shy about being outwardly emotional.

    Is failure to comment on your blog viewed as a rejection?

    I read tons and tons of blog each day. I am absolutely guilty of not commenting enough, even though I have come away with something to think about, something I have enjoyed, laugh at, etc.

    As a blogger I know all too well that just giving the author a quick pat on the back would be better than saying nothing at all ~ but I am terrible at doing it. I feel stupid sometimes just saying things like 'i love your picture' as just a way of letting the blogger know I read their post and appreciated it.

    What's your take - Is commenting something superficial better than saying nothing?

    Commenting is something I absolutely need to work on. I would be sad to know that a blogger I read regularly felt like people didn't care about what they were putting out there.

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    1. You are exactly right, Fuzz, in what I'm looking for. But I wasn't clear about what I meant by rejection. I'm sorry you and some others are confused about that.

      Not commenting on my blog is not rejection. I don't expect comments and they don't necessarily mean anything. Besides, I don't need comments to feel good about someone.

      What I mean by rejection is something that happened with two bloggers. They live nearby and I thought we could become friends. For many months, I conversed with them, on their blogs and by e-mail, about local events and our similar experiences. Ultimately, these two women decided not to extend themselves in the slightest way. They were content to accept me putting myself out (because it flattered them) but they had no interest in doing anything for or toward me. This includes what we talked about. They enjoyed our discussion of their lives but they had no interest in mine.

      I feel bad we couldn't take the next step toward friendship. I'm not angry at them, just disappointed at the lost opportunity.

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