Researchers are studying heterosexual men and women in platonic friendships to see how sturdy those friendships are and whether both sides are on the same page. The answers they're finding are noteworthy. Let me quote directly from a recent report:
"The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends."
These findings make sense to me. They match my understanding of how men think. Do they correlate to your experiences?
I've had at least one very close male friendship...with a gay man.
ReplyDeleteI think in a lot of cases, that's true. I have mainly been friends with guys due to my non-girly interest in "nerdy" things. That's changing due to female-culture changing, and having a strong connection with my blog ladies.
ReplyDeleteI did have some guy friends who stopped being as friendly towards me after I got married, but I also had my best friends in the world there, who just happen to be male.
I think male/female friendships are different than same-gendered friendships, but I don't live in a male brain and ultimately can't speak for it.
I do think that we don't anticipate our levels of friendship the same as our friends might. I think this line gets blurred as we get older. As kids we can say "This is my Best Friend" and now, I think our relationships with others is more complex than that. We still have those we can discuss anything with and others that we'll censor our lives with.
Tricky stuff, as a married female. I don't have a lot of friends, in general, although I have lots of acquaintances, male and female. My closest friends are female, with the exception of my husband, who really is my closest friend too.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter, who identifies as "queer" has many friends of all genders. My son, who is married and has a child, also has friends of both genders.
I'm interested in your post. It reminds me of a "joke" I've heard. Men, when passing a mirror naked, admire their parts, so to speak. Women, on the other hand, hide themselves from their own gaze.
So it seems that men are more likely to think they're "all that" while women don't. How does this play out? Don't know, but I suspect it needs to be examined. I appreciate the food for thought.
Nice points; thanks for contributing.
DeleteThe "joke" is true: I attribute it to the ceaseless criticism women get about their appearance. Nobody comments negatively on men's looks or poor fashion choices.
Absolutely. In fact, I classify that in the category of "everyone knows that, so why are they spending research money on it?"
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one.
ReplyDeleteI think that men and women can be friends. But I also think that they remain friends because one of the two IS attracted in some way to the other person. All it takes is one.
Okay, but isn't that unhealthy? The person who's attracted will end up frustrated and perhaps feeling used.
DeleteI have noticed that thing you wrote about happening, and it's very uncomfy and actually sad coz often the friendship gets ruined at some point :I.
ReplyDeleteBut not in all cases. Pure friendship exists too.
it's true most of the times but it doesn't work while woman alone is in the men company. E.g. in my university in my group there was only one girl but me. My best friends from Univ are men. In the situation where woman is surrounded by men only she's often taken as 'ugly' boy. In that case no attraction from both sides as in this group's mind it's a man only group. E.g.2 while I was doing sports there were only couple of girls doing it. when we applied for next level fights or having a little show for holidays and such our coach didn't ask for special dresser for me, he said he had boys only. after one competition without a dresser spot he used to have a paper with note about different genders next to phone. I doubt there was any attraction in our group. At least my close friend/partner there still say he doesn't see woman in me at all.
ReplyDeleteBut generally I'm agree with Lorena - all it takes is one
Your personal experiences, of being alone or with few female colleagues in a profession of largely-men, give you heightened authority to speak on this subject. Thank you for sharing, pal.
DeleteI would agree with that study. In high school ... many, many moons ago ... girls tended to be cruel to each other so I had lots of guy friends. My besty was my sister so I didn't need to deal with all that cruel teenage girl drama.
ReplyDeleteI've always been someone with guy best friends, moreso then female--going back to childhood. Maybe because I was a bit of a tomboy and have always had a "typically guy thinking" brain--I never was too intersted in girls going to the mall and then paininting each other's nails.
ReplyDeleteAs a design engineer, I've worked in a predominately male environment so maybe the lack of females kinda forced the issue. Never really thought about it much.
This made me laugh. And with the exception of a few prissy girls I know who assume EVERYONE is just in love with them, I think it holds pretty true. I tend to view my guy friends as "brotherly" with the express intent of not falling for them, but that's just because I'm in an LTR.
ReplyDeleteThis can be seen as true, but not in my group of friends. Two of my closet male friends, Brian and Dan, we always joke that it would never happen and that we are not attracted to each other. At the Halloween party, Dan even said "Hey who is the hot blonde (I was wearing a wig) then said, oh, wait, it's just Sara". They both tell my female friends that they are attractive all of the time, but they know that they will never date or anything because they would all rather be friends.
ReplyDeleteDo I think men & women can be friends? Short answer - Yes. I think it comes down to being friends with people who respect boundaries.
ReplyDeleteI'm of the opinion that people who aren't in relationships that they cherish may be more apt to pursue someone or send out signals that they themselves are interested in flirting with possibility - but - those that are in relationships that they value deeply ~ the thought of someone else doesn't really enter into the equation. It would never be worth the potential sacrifice. Being part of a happy couple makes being platonic friends with the opposite sex pretty damned easy.
Given my interest in a male dominated sport/activity I would say the majority of my friends are men. But, I am also friends with their wives and girlfriends as a result. I think my male friend see me as "me". Most of the time I don't think they see me as a woman at all. At least that is my perception. And I just see them as my dudes.
If I looked like Angelina Jolie ~ well, maybe that would change things.
I think it can work in some circumstances. I have a very good friend who has adopted me as his little sister - but he is also a family friend who we've known for years and years. So I don't know if that makes a difference or not!
ReplyDeleteIn my own opinion I agree with these findings because I think men want that, or need that, connection in a way that women don't need it. I mean that women are in it for the communication fulfillment they get out of the friendship, while in my experience the men are in it for more physical and ego boosting reasons. Not to say anything bad about the male race, but from what I've read it closely matches what motivates women to have affairs vs. men.
ReplyDeleteYes, they do. I've been hurt many times by guys who were my "friends" and then it turns out that they just wanted in my pants. I seem to only have male friends when I'm single, and it sucks. It doesn't help that I don't have any nearby female friends either (they all live over six hours away). So the only friend I have available is my boyfriend, so I end up hanging out with him and his friends.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me feel slightly uneasy as I see many of my male friends like brothers and I hope they see me as a sister! :)
ReplyDeleteBut I have to give it to the opposite sex, how they sometimes overestimate the level of attraction. I think being a Man for the day would be very interesting! :D
✽ GIVEAWAY MISSION BRIEFING ✽
Accept if you wish :) at ▲▲ HYENA
If you are into blog awards at all, then pick up this one ^^ :
ReplyDeletehttp://rockteraptor.blogspot.fi/2012/10/awardsawards.html
Oh, men! I've never had a man as a bestie, except Dear Hubby :)
ReplyDeleteCompletely. It's really hard for me to be "just friends" with a guy because, most of the time, they want more. It makes it difficult for married women or those of us who just aren't looking for a relationship right now...guys won't give ya the time of day. It's a shame, because generally, I feel that I get along better with guys than ladies.
ReplyDeleteWow, that is some interesting findings. I think women (myself included) always think we can be friends without realizing the opposite sex develops more feelings than we do.
ReplyDeleteDaphne.
I think this is spot on. I can't tell you how often I became friends with a male coworker only to find out down the road that his feelings were more than friendly. I wasalways caught off guard and this made for some awkward work situations.
ReplyDeletereally good post, very interesting :)
ReplyDeletethanks for your comment on my blog!
xoxo
www.yourfashionmoment.com
I have this guy friend that I became friends with long before I met my husband, and I may not have been clear about our just friends thing, but he fell hard for me and it was hard to just be friends. I think even today it's kind of weird for him to come to my kid's parties and for them to go see him play - who knows.
ReplyDeleteXo Megan
A long term and very special friendship ended because of this kind of confusion. I'm still sad and miss my friend awfully. I loved him so much, but it just wasn't 'that' kind of love.
ReplyDeleteI do feel that if a man is honest up front and mature enough to handle that you only want to be friends, it can be special ... but its a precarious situation to be in and not easy to manage.
I've always had more male friends than female friends even growing up. But, now I have more female friends relationships that I've built over the years. Both my bf and I have friends of the opposite sex, single and married. It's tough,but I think it only works if you both understand where the other is coming from. One of my oldest and best friend is male.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had male friends where there hasn't been some sort of attraction (declared or otherwise) on the other side. Male acquaintances yes, but not close friends.
ReplyDeleteeep, I mean on EITHER side - not the other side! e.g. they didn't ALL fancy me! oh dear.
DeleteWow! This is all news to me. I don't really have any male friends, except for my husband. I guess he fell into that category described above and decided he wanted more than "friendship".
ReplyDeleteI have had many platonic male friends over the years, but I suppose there is some truth tho the study results. I always took the position that I don't concern myself about whether they "want more", I enjoy the friendship unless the guy makes it an issue.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any "new" male friends since I got married, I figured out after awhile that it's just too much trouble. I still keep in touch with a few old friends, though.
But you're in a category of your own :)
This research doesn't surprise me and reinforces my hesitation to have friendships with straight men. I have many gay friends, so physical attraction isn't an issue. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI can see the study results reflecting the dynamics of our dominant culture, and therefore wish there was more exploration of the "why" of it, i.e. identifying those elements of dominant culture which perpetuate the study findings. Speaking in generalizations, my guess is that it's connected to women being valued based on appearance, and the grossness of male entitlement to women's bodies - mores we continue to be saturated in through mainstream media and its disproportionate platforms.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking on a personal level, I have been incredibly fortunate in my friendships with people of all genders. As Fuzzy mentions above, plenty of people have excellent boundaries. Many folks also have the capacity for critical reflection, perspective, and consciousness, as well as respect for relationships and the ability to offer genuine support rather than undermining or acting out of hidden self-interest. I love all of my smart, smart friends! But not in that way, and we can trust each other to manage our feelings of all kinds and enjoy the heck out of our functioning friendships.
Thanks for another great discussion, Ally.
Insightful response. Thank you.
Delete