Friday, March 2, 2012

Looking Back

Tomorrow promises to be a big night for me.  A symbolic achievement, long awaited.  My first chance, really, to present as female in social setting.

There will be close friends there -- and also some people who have never met me before.  I'm curious how they will react.

I know how I will react.  Excited and nervous at first, then increasingly calm and peaceful.  When I'm allowed to be myself, I experience a wave of serenity that is profound.  Regardless of what I'm wearing, when I'm seen as the person I am, I feel at peace.  Like a leaf floating in the wind.  At tune with nature.

Life, at its peak, can be poetic.

Anyway... I was reflecting on how far I've come recently in a short period of time.  When I was young, I spent my whole childhood futilely trying to get people to see me as female.  I'd do everything to convince them but nothing worked.  Nothing penetrated the social conditioning in their minds which slotted me into the male category.

In late-adolescence, I gave up on being perceived as female.  I adopted a masculine persona and did boy things.  The desire, however, never stopped burning in my heart.  At times, such as when I saw a beautiful woman looking exquisite in her display of femininity, the ache in my chest threatened to burst out of my chest.  The grave unfairness of being forbidden from being my real self colored my view of the world.  While I never considered suicide as many transgendered people do, I did acquire a jaundiced attitude toward social convention.  I deeply disrespect Procrustean forces to conform, to gender-roles and other norms.  I know, in the core of my being, who I am and if society refuses to recognize that, it's society who's wrong, not me.

It has only been in the past five years that I started dressing regularly and only in the past two that I took pictures.  Before blogging, nobody ever saw me in female clothes.  Nobody wanted to and I don't impose myself on others.

In the short period of the past two years, my fashion skills have developed from terrible to occasionally adequate.  They can't compete, of course, with yours which were honed over two decades or more of practice and social support, but my abilities have progressed past my expectations.  I'm grateful for that and for you.

In anticipation of this auspicious occasion, I looked back at some of my early outfits.  I experimented and explored, with intermittent success.  Most important, I learned and learned, largely from your comments.

Your feedback, moreover, buoys my morale.  And gives me hope.

Have a nice weekend.


  1. Oh shoot! I meant to have a dress post, so I could dress up and be at your party in spirit! But we've been hit by a blizzard, and now that I'm home, nothing will get me up off this couch, out of these sweats, and showing some leg (especially since shaving only makes the legs colder!) this weekend. Have a blast at the party! I can't wait to hear all about it!

  2. oh my gosh good luck :) i think some of my clothes might fit you really nicely. i'm six feet tall and most of them fit me (i say most because i do have a couple of those wishful thinking pieces... haha). i'll put pictures and stuff up of what i'm going to sell soon!

  3. I hope your party is everything you with for and more Ally! I can't wait to see what you end up wearing and hearing how the display of your femininity makes you feel. I am in 100% support (albeit in Canada but with you in soul).

  4. Ooh, I'm very excited for you. I hope your party goes marvelously, and I know it will. Awaiting your recap!

  5. Have a fabulous time! I'll be thinking of you.

  6. What a fabulous time for you! You have been anticipating it for so long. Enjoy and just be you.:)

  7. Good luck and have fun! I'm still being super busy, so no dressing-up times for me...

  8. I'm crossing fingers for you! Choose a pretty dress, it always works ;) And don't forget to capture the outfit, I'm curious what you chose.

  9. That last photo is awesome! Have a great time tonight :)

  10. Ally,
    friends will be there to support you (even me!) you are setting expectations very high for yourself and you can see that it is stressing you out.
    Don't obsess over the perfect outfit, don't obsess over everything, and don't obsess how long it has been. I should bop you over the head with a rolling pin, but this is a time to have fun, be yourself, be natural, and just talk.
    This is but a small step in the coming out of who you really are, and you are going to just another event, with just another group of friends, but this time you are going to let your hair hang down a little :-) we are going to have fun...And yes I am coming!!

  11. *hugs*

    It really makes me sad when I read about what you went through... and how you were expected to hid who you are and be something else. And I wish that things could have been different for you, and that the world would have been more accepting. Hopefully society is making the shift to being more open and accepting of people's individuality and not expecting conformity to the "norm".

    And, I think you are super strong to have decided to share with others who you are and all of the experiences you have gone through. It's people like you, who are courageous enough to speak up and challenge the "norm" who will make a difference. xo

    1. Thank you, Ash. That's such a lovely thing to say.

  12. You always look wonderful and I hope everything goes well! Have fun and don't forget to be yourself! <3

  13. Love the picture of you in lights in Times Square. :)

    I will be at your party in spirit (sorry I got busy and didn't get a picture to you). I'm so happy for you!

  14. I love your billboard picture! You look so beautiful and happy.

    Ah, you have come so far, Ally! I remember finding your old blog (two years ago? can it really be so long?) and getting caught up in your deep desire to show the rest of the world the real you. I am so much in admiration of your resolution and commitment to your personal style.

    We all grow as the years go by - I look back at my blog as well and shake my head at some of the atrocious outfits. I love being able to have that perpsective.

    Here's to many more years of dressing up, friendship and fun!

  15. This post is so poignant to me. I can remember my first tentative stabs at feminity as long ago as middle-school, and I remember the pain of it as well. I pray that this party is everything you hope for.

  16. You have made a great progress my friend!! And it's very fulfilling to be able to accept the real you inside and out! I'm so proud of you and so honored that you allowed us to witness it! Take care :)