Friday, December 9, 2011

Dreams Come True

I've ached, my whole life, to be able to live naturally.  As the woman I am.  That has, however, always been an unfulfilled dream.

The reality of being seen and forced to act in the wrong gender causes existential angst, deep enough to persuade some to kill themselves.  That is not my inclination, however; I've always been tenacious and optimistic.  I've been called "dogged," which I accept as a compliment.  I have a titanium will and I never give up at anything.  That quality has enabled me to survive.

What I've done, at every stage of life, is whatever was available to me.  For most of the time, that was merely furtive feminine activities conducted by myself alone.  Wearing pantyhose as a boy in the privacy of my bedroom; later pushing the gender-boundary with transgressive clothing briefly permissible in the wild days of the 1970s.  I have fond memories of a tight, flowery, midriff-revealing top made of soft cotton with an elastic waist which actually was made for a man to wear but only for that short period in time; platform shoes, too, were briefly allowed for men then.

The hardest part of living like this was always the isolation.  Being alone in my twarted celebration of female life.

That changed when I started fashion-blogging and you guys embraced me.  My emotional reaction to your support has been so profound; you touch me so deeply.  Comments that might seem casual about, say, the attractiveness of an outfit, are something much more to me -- critical acknowledgement about the viability of my life.  This is why blogging and you have transformed my existence.  And made me dream about new possibilities for which I'd given up hope long ago.

As I mentioned, isolation has been the toughest thing to bear.  From as early as I can remember, my imagination craved having social experiences as a girl.  Like sitting in a BFF's kitchen and drinking tea with her while we gossip about our friends.  Like going to a cocktail party in a cute LBD, standing in a circle of women, and complimenting each other on how we look.  Like shopping with a girlfriend at the mall.

I've never had that.  The closest I've come have been fleeting public outings that weren't really social, like my recent motorcycle ride.  That was fun but it was, literally, a drive-by experience.

My dream for a social experience may soon come true.

My girlfriends Nicole and Jamie, who helped me take the motorcycle pictures and The Prom Project, just informed me that they'd like to hold a party for me at one of their homes at which I'm invited to dress any way I want.  With a tinkle in their eyes, they suggested I dress as a girl.

It was hard not to cry.  Boy-training kicked in to stop that but the depth of emotion I felt at their offer was intense.  I appreciate their generous support which, from them, is not a surprise.  When I was in a life-threatening motorcycle accident eight years ago and spent over a week in a hospital, Nicole was there for me in a big way.  I know she loves me and I love her back.  Jamie, too, has become a dear friend.

The prospect of this party -- which, on the surface, will simply be a room full of women standing around, eating hor d'oeuvres and chatting -- has me swooning with joy.  Nicole and Jamie said I can invite anyone I want and we have a month or two to plan it.

I wish all of you, whom I love so much, didn't live so far away.  I can't expect anyone to travel from Canada or California to attend but I wish I could see you there.  I'll share the experience with you in a bloggy way to show you how much I care about you.

I guess, if you live long enough, dreams can come true.  :)

24 comments:

  1. Exciting!!!! So wish I could be there too Ally, but the UK is a long hop! I can't imagine how it must feel being trapped in the wrong body & the isolation that goes with it. And can I just say WOW! Houndstooth looks great on you. Happy weekend xoxo
    http://www.intotheblonde.com/

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  2. Oh how exciting! Jamie and Nicole sound like wonderful and true friends to throw a party for you! CAN'T WAIT to see your pictures. Hope you go all out glam :) Oh, and the houndstooth dress is the bomb!

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  3. Ally, this sounds so fabulous! You will definitely have to post photos of what you wear and the party! Wear something really glamourous :-) I am sure it will be such a fun night for you.

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  4. I am thrilled for you and expect to see some wonderful pictures. You look very pretty in the houndstooth. You have beautiful legs that look great in dresses.
    You are lucky to have such wonderful, supportive friends.

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  5. I'm so happy for you. Something that was thought impossible once is finally coming true. I will always remember and live by your last line. :)

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  6. I know how we can join your party… post the date and time of the party, put up a link party (use mr linky) on your blog on that day, and those of us absent from your party can post photos of ourselves in cocktail attire!

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  7. I wish I could be there! Ally, this sounds like so much fun! I know you will have an awesome time, and please take a lot of pictures.

    I'm in for dressing up as though I were there!

    Love this houndstooth dress look on you, by the way. You totally nailed it.

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  8. Dream on Allie :)
    You have no idea how happy it makes me to read this post. Honestly.
    Go Titanium Girl ! and don't forget to wear perfume.

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  9. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I'm so happy for you, and it sounds like you have truly amazing friends who "get" you. Those are hard to come by, so keep them close :)

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  10. This is ignorance (I'm sure) on my part that I didn't "get" that you truly FEEL like a woman. Where have I been, right? I mean, I knew you liked to dress in women's clothes; but somehow my brain just didn't connect that to "as the woman I am".

    I'm so happy for you and excited for your excitement!! Sounds like a BLAST and I promise you, the most fun you'll have is deciding what to wear and "gettin' ready". It's what we girlies do! Tons of love to you! ~Serene

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  11. How cool. Dressing for yourself (or the internet) is one thing, but dressing up for a party where people will be looking & interacting is a whole new ballgame. I would totally attend if I lived in the same state. You'll have to post pictures for us!

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  12. I love lawyerdoll's idea - I'm totally up for it. This dress is one of the best, IMO, I love the pop of yellow & the scarf!

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  13. You look SO FREAKING CUTE in that picture! You should wear houndstooth patterns more often. There's something about it that totally works! (I'm the anti-belter, so I would personally forego the belt. Black and white patterns just too cool for color in my eyes.)

    I hope you have a marvelous time planning that party. I've never done so and will probably never do so myself (I'm boring), but I can't wait to see what you lovely ladies do with it!

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  14. So happy for you! That houndstooth dress is to die for. :)

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  15. Ooooh so cool! I wish I could attend. I hate living so far away from other bloggers! That sounds like it's going to be so fun. I agree with Lawyerdoll, make a linky and we can have an "Ally Party Day". You can tweet/blog about the part in addition so we can all get a taste of partying.

    Also interesting medical fact - crying could actually extend your life! Tears are filled with stress hormones so when you cry, your body is releasing the hormones thus removing the "stress" from your body, whether happy or sad. Fascinating!

    Anyway, you look gorgeous in the houndstooth dress. I adore houndstooth with yellow. It's possibly my favorite pairing ever.

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  16. If I wasn't a poor grad student with a shopping problem, I would SO be there. :)


    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  17. Oh my gosh, I'm fighting tears here. That is so awesome. I just love those two! Your own girlfriend getaway!

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  18. Awww. One of the things that I enjoy the most about reading your blog ( and your comments) is your ability to express the most confounding emotions in the clearest of ways.

    I hope the party is everything you've ever wanted.

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  19. Oh my sweet Ally, I'm so excited for you today. You were in my thoughts early this morning as I was putting my daughters final items in her package and writing your address for her. What's really strange for me is that I was having a little daydream where I was flying to visit Tan for her 21st and my fancy plans were to come to NY and have a visit with you. In my little dream, you're dressed as who you truly are and we're strolling the stores and sharing ideas ... that's a little affirmation - we possibly may not walk the streets, but we'll have our 'girl' visit - eventually.
    Your ears may have been ringing last night (My time) as Tan and I were talking about you and how sweet you are, and my sister Noleen has often commented on the sweet comments you leave me.
    Hugs

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  20. Wendy, thank you. I have the same dream of spending girl-time with you.

    Loren: Now you've gone and scared me!

    Lawyerdoll: Fun idea!

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  21. Ally, this is very exciting. I hope you feel how special you really are, you have such caring friends.

    -Jaz
    http://summerlilacs.blogspot.com/

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  22. Oh, Ally, this sounds like so much fun! Try on all your best outfits, do up your hair and face and knock 'em dead. Remember that it's perfectly fine to get lipstick all over your wine glass :-)

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  23. I wish I could come dear... It sounds so exciting!

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  24. That is so great that you have such wonderful friends! How exciting! Now, deciding what to wear? That's one of the most fun parts of gong to a party. Enjoy yourself!

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