When you're deathly ill, particularly for a lengthy period, you detach from "reality" -- the world others live in. You realize how foolish people are to treat life with casual nonchalance.
For you, being in that state means every moment is a struggle. Every day an ordeal. Crawling over hot coals you suffer searing pain and emotional horror, sometimes at unbearable intensity. You consider, of course, ways to end the ordeal. How can you not?
It's futile to describe this. It's like trying to explain war to civilians: they don't have concepts to grasp the experience. They imagine a cellar of sadness, not realizing beneath that room is a dreadful dungeon of despair.
If you're lucky enough to survive serious illness and possible (or, as in my case, reversible) death, you find yourself changed. Your attitude shifts. Radically. You become grateful for every fuckin' day of sunshine life offers you. These are not just words, you've seen the alternative up close and personal. You know what can happen when a nightmare becomes real.
I don't know from experience about the effect of serious illness but I have caught a glimpse of it from others!!! I am glad you have found the sunshine in the abyss. Xx
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kezzie.
DeleteI imagine chronic illness holds much the same sea of feelings. I think people turn away from chronic illness "influencers" because they can't see themselves in that place. Being disabled is a class we all can join at any time.
ReplyDeleteI try to take inspiration from those who have found joy, creativity and sunshine like those. It's really hard, harder still to want to dream and pursue those dreams into today's world.
Yes, you're right. Such a sage!
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