Recently I was surprised. No, that's not accurate: I was horrified. A photograph was taken for my passport -- and what it shows knocked me down. I was distraught and it took an entire day for my Pollyanna nature to surface and salvage my emotions.
A hidden blessing of bad vision is losing the ability to see yourself. I haven't viewed my face clearly in over a year. The bathroom-mirror displays only an indistinct blob. Shaving is a dangerous activity deserving its own book. Working title: "Riding The Razor."
Early in life I assessed my attractiveness. I considered my average looks to be sufficient. I didn't lust for adoration nor aspire to become a movie-star. I encountered no obstacles working as a legal pugilist; appearance is irrelevant in that bloody arena.
But my passport photo reveals more than just aging. It shows a drooping eyelid over a permanently-bloodshot eye that's retired from active duty. Ugh. No longer am I unaware of my current appearance. That ignorance was temporary bliss.
Pondering this sad state of affairs an anodyne idea popped up: I was once cute. Long ago and for a brief moment. Exactly 50 years ago, in fact. In 1974 I could attract a girl's eye. That fleeting pulchritude was the peak of my life's physical beauty; it's been downhill since then, ultimately ending at this pitiful cul-de-sac.
For all of us who grow old, at some point past glory hops a train to Newark and disappears, leaving only vague memory. And, if we're lucky, maybe an old picture like this one.
I was so insecure as a teen and now when I look at pictures I would love to have that skin, muscles, shiny teeth lol again. I don't really take many pictures now or look int he mirror a whole lot but I always get a whollop at the cash register at my grocery store. It has a camera overhead and I can see all the gray hair, dark spots on my face, wrinkles. I'm always shocked and think I look like I'm about to keel over.
ReplyDeleteAs they say, youth is wasted on the young.
It's the shock that gets us. The difference between what we think we look like and reality is stunning.
DeleteJoin the club, Ally! I was shocked to see my mother looking back at me in the mirror the other day! What the hell? I don't look like that, said the blogger who's taken her own picture for 16 years and should know what she looks like by now.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful creature you were in your youth, Ally. The eyes, the slightly upturned mouth. But you're still beautiful to those who love you. <3
You're a doll. Thanks for the kind words and perspective. Does being in this club entitle me to any benefits? I'd settle for free stockings. :)
DeleteOne thing I'm learning with age (and I'm not saying I'm old but I am definitely no longer a Youth) is that I'm way more into looking interesting than attractive. And maybe that is just as attractive.
ReplyDeleteI do empathize with Sheila. As the years go by I startle as I see my mom in the mirror, or my grandmother's nose, my dad's eyebrows. And like Karen, I do find my younger self absolutely silly that I was insecure about my younger, thinner self.
But also as someone who has spent years taking pictures of myself, I still experience a disconnect with how I actually look versus how I do look.
But like you, my health has shaken my self perception too. I admire my old photos from my blog days, but I have years ahead (hopefully) and I won't ever look like that again and it's ok. I've had to have some conversations with myself that I'll always be evolving and part of that will be health and age affecting me. I have some gnarly scars now, but I'm working on accepting them as signs I've survived.
As one of the smartest people I know, naturally you possess wisdom; thank you for dispensing some. Yes, interesting is better than "attractive" because the latter is a cultural concept in service of sexism. "Interesting" is a declaration of personal independence from such convention.
DeleteYour reflections on your current age remind me of when I was in my fifties and I'd occasionally feel sad that my appearance (particularly in blog photos) wasn't as nice as it had been years earlier. I then realized that my appearance wasn't going to get any better, only worse, so I should and did cherish it as imperfect as it was. Looking back today I'd trade anything for my mid-50s body.
And yes, ill health magnifies everything. I accept the natural aging of my body but the eye-thing is harder to stomach.
We grieve our younger selves when we lose our looks. Part of our social currency is diminishing. Beauty can be quite powerful and the loss of it is deeply felt. The loss of health though trumps everything in the end. As long as you're still able to enjoy simple pleasures in life everything else is secondary.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
Sage words. Hearing smart thoughts from close friends like you saves me from despair. Yes, as Pollyanna agrees, we should look to what we still have left, not what we lost.
DeleteThis is especially true for folks my age. In the past month I've had several friends die or suffer horrible medical issues. Yesterday, one had major surgery to remove part of his lung because of cancer. When considering death and serious disability, appearance becomes trivial. As long as my vision remains usable and my body is still mobile, I'll be content with life.