Why Don't Men Understand Women?
I don't understand the mystery. Women are straightforward and I've always gotten along with them. I learned years ago that if you give a woman attention, respect and appreciation, she'll usually be happy with you. Attention. Respect. Appreciation. How hard is that?
Many of my male friends report that the women in their lives get mad at them and they don't know why. They complain that the women are inscrutable and too emotional. I ask my friends if they know what is important to the woman in question; they say no. I ask them if they listen to her when she talks about her life; they say no. I ask them if they compliment her; they say no. Hmmm... I suspect the problem lies there...
What do you think?
I completely agree. But I'm not sure if it's gender specific. I just think it's a human issue. Being kind and appreciative goes for all of us. My husband always makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. Many years ago I realized that I wasn't doing the same, so I started complimenting him more often and listening more and voila, he LOVED it and our relationship has never been better.
ReplyDeletexoxo,
Tracy
I think it all comes down to biology. Our brains function differently, different hormones e.t.c. Communication is the key!
ReplyDeleteOh - and stereotypes add to misunderstanding!
ReplyDeleteI've done a small amount of study in the area of communication and psychology. How men and women speak to each other and how they communicate with people of their own gender is very different. I was lucky enough to see most of a recorded presentation by Tannen and Bly who discuss that there are so many different levels of expectation, rhythms and patterns to the speech of different genders and why it causes upset between genders and oftentimes a lot of miscommunication. They didn't address anything in the way of transgendered individuals, but if I remember correctly they did talk some on the topic of homosexual couples. It's a combination of the biological and the learned habits of growing up. It's a really fascinating topic.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Megan. Thanks for contributing.
ReplyDeleteI am glad men my life have been attentive, honest and appreciative ... but I guess we are different for a reason. To keep life interesting I guess ... if men could meet all the requirements then why would we need girl friends :)
ReplyDelete♡ from © tanvii.com
Oh snap! I love this post. Men... Can't live with them, can't live without them.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, though, I think like many things in life, this topic is often laden with irony and... backwards. Men are so quick to throw out the female stereotypes. Of course, stereotypes exist because there are indeed people who fall under them. Are some women out there very emotionally driven and inscrutable? Absolutely. But for every emotional and inscrutable woman out there, is there also one who is logical, straightforward and upfront about things? I believe there is. And here comes the irony... In both my romantic and friendly relationships with males, I have found that 9 times out of 10, the guy is far more emotionally driven and mysterious than me. My mom always said, people are usually the very thing they disdain...
Goodness. I could go on and on about this topic... Ha.
Totally agree with you. Although unfortunately I do think we are not that easy. We want our men to be jealous but not pester. Want them to adore us but also give us space. We want them to be sensitive but also macho. We just want them to be what we need them to be given our mood. Figuring that out might not be as easy as it sounds.
ReplyDeleteI do feel sorry for them sometimes.
Daphne.
http://fashiondivamommy.blogspot.com
You are right about most women as far as a guy listening etc. I don't do that though. In my relationship my husband is very needy and dramatic so I don't have time to get mad about things like him not listening etc. Lol
ReplyDeleteHe is the one that gets mad at me for those reasons. It is reversed for us.
Its a cycle in my opinion. Women do a lot of talking, men are ignoring, or not catching on to what is important. Women get angry and start closing up wanting so badly for the men to pay attention. The men who now notice the anger will try to get the information they seek from the woman to figure out what is going on. Woman then yells her head off and now is at the point she is not saying what is really bothering her or what is on her mind, but will now point out anything and everything under the sun what is wrong rather then exposing the root of the problem because she feels he wasn't listening in the first place. Man will just ignore the petty things in trying to find the root of it, as a result..two very unhappy people ignoring each other.
ReplyDeleteThat is so stereotypical but that is how i see it happens all the time.
Men need to listen, women need to have patience, everyone needs to talk to each other!
It's funny how men and women judge each other. I admit, think certain judgements about men at times. And, most of the time, if I really talk to someone, I of course find out I was wrong! Interestingly enough, I've had a couple boyfriends confront me in the past about how they do not think I am emotional "enough." So, whether you fit the common image or not, someone is always going to find something critical to say.
ReplyDeleteFascinating comments, guys. Thanks. I find them illuminating.
ReplyDeleteThere are men who immediately label a woman as "over-emotional" or "high maintenance" any time she displays she's upset about something they (the men) don't understand. A lot of guys do have that attitude, and all it does is push women away and make them label the men as insensitive pigs in return. Just because some women might show emotions in a different way doesn't make them invalid or irrational. They should be listened to and taken seriously, even if not agreed with. When a woman explodes, it's usually because she feels she hasn't been heard or taken seriously over a period of time and finally boils over...it's not like we start out that way.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read Daphne's comment, though, it really struck me too...she's right on the money there. I think I'm actually pretty complex and not all that easy to figure out most of the time. My moods and thoughts on things can change so rapidly that I don't know how hubs keeps up. I can't even keep up. I don't think your formula is off base at all (I hope your male friends learn something from your questions), and I feel really lucky to have a patient guy who just sorta rolls with the punches. Maybe he finds the mystery appealing. heehee And it does remind me that I need to sometimes show him more attention, respect, and appreciation; to be honest, I can get pretty wrapped up in what's going on in my own head that I can neglect important people without meaning to.
I've read quite a number of articles by Deborah Tannen on this and can see how the general principles bear themselves out in classrooms. Male teachers tend to have a different set of challenges than female teachers do. In spite of my intellectual understanding of the problem, at home, on a more emotional level, it seems to boil down to only half-listening and only remembering what one wants to.
ReplyDeleteI think what's happening is the following:
ReplyDeleteMen and women are (still!) socialized differently, so that each group has their own set of behavior and communication patterns, which aren't entirely known to the other gender, and in as far as they are, portray a cliché and aren't a very good predictor of most individuals' behaviors.
To complicate matters, men and women are often *explicitly* taught that the other gender is fundamentally different, and that such and such clichés are true of the other gender (needless to say, they aren't!).
For people who believe in and do not question their assigned gender and its role, this combination of experienced differences and expected differences (not necessarily overlapping!) makes inter-gender interactions really difficult. At the same time, the difficulties they encounter confirm the expectation of fundamental different-ness and thus signal to them that they and their communication partners are each performing their gender correctly.
Hence the phenomenon - sadly also clichéd and ideologically abused by MRA activists to boot - that guys who treat women as "just persons" and therefore encounter fewer communicative misunderstandings are sometimes relegated to the role of the "best friend" but never considered as a love interest. They're perceived as performing their gender incorrectly, so there must be something wrong with them... I should point out that the same also happens to women who get along with men better than the average, they get put into the "tomboy best friend" or "motherly best friend" box instead of the "potential girlfriend" box. And in my opinion that's really ironic because the people who make an effort see their partner as a person rather than as a representative of the other gender make the best significant-other-material!
To return from this tangent, I think you are actually advantaged with respect to inter-gender interactions because you're aware of the limitations of each of these gender role boxes, since you've experienced not fitting them exactly. Yay for you!
Great responses, guys. Especially you, Poet. Then, of course, I expected that much from you. :)
ReplyDeleteI've often felt priviliged for having the extra-perspective of being someone who has lived in both worlds. Unlike ordinary guys, I don't care if people judge me negatively for breaking my gender's rules and I actively embrace female-company and female-experiences. After exhausting male-company and male-experiences, I find the lives of women more interesting and nourishing.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've mentioned to my husband and sons before that sometimes the problem that men have with women is that they try to talk to them like their male buddies. You can't talk to women that way. I say, talk nice and give them sincere compliments and we'll love you forever! Great post! ~Serene
ReplyDeleteWhat a great question! I think many men have a problem understanding "women" precisely because they think of them as one homogeneous group, instead of evaluating each one as a unique individual. Guys who can't relate to women's emotional tendencies need to recognize that and look for a woman who's not ruled by her emotions. We do exist! Many women say they don't understand men either, but I think what it comes down to for either gender is just a misunderstanding of what you want and need in a partner. Then again I've also heard gay men saying they don't understand men, so maybe the problem is really just with the guys. ;-)
ReplyDeletehA! Just yesterday my boyfriend was telling I was being too emotional and yes I admitted it but I can't help it, women can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I have to tell him straight on how I feel, short words straight to the point or else he won't understand what I'm talking about.
ReplyDeleteMen have it so ingrained in them that they can't understand women that they don't try. Also I think boys aren't taught or expected to be as empathetic and considerate as little girls are. Also their are a lot of pressures on women that men don't know about and probably coudldn't really relate to.
ReplyDeleteExactly right, Elena. Thanks for contributing your thoughts to the discussion.
ReplyDelete