Saturday, May 4, 2024

Small Victories

If you looked through my eyes, you'd start to cry. And not stop. I have the least amount of vision possible: a small, dark periscope-view with no peripheral awareness. A physical limitation like this can plunge one into emotional despair. 

And yet... I'm not giving up. Buoyed by unfounded optimism and innate grit I push forward. Today, for example I achieved something I initially believed was beyond my ability.

After handing my beloved motorcycles to friends I'm now trying to sell my two cars. (A beautiful red convertible [2021 Mazda Miata] and sporty hatchback [2013 Fiat Abarth].) Obviously it'll be easier to sell them if they're clean, not dirty, but the cars haven't been driven in a year and have a thick layer of dust from storage.

I contemplated washing them. I quickly concluded I lack sufficient eyesight for that task. But then... today... I felt strong. Powerful. Irrationally exuberant. So I thought, "Why not try? What's the worst that can happen? I fail?" So I endeavored to wash my cars.

One thing you need to know to stand in my shoes is that everything -- everything -- is three times harder and takes three times longer than it used to. Activities now require searching for objects sitting in front of my face, misjudging and correcting distances from my hand to destinations, and cleaning up inevitable messes. At first these added burdens were dispiriting but I developed patience and fortitude. I gradually adopted a mental attitude of moving slowly and deliberately while expecting frequent frustrations.

Washing my cars wasn't easy. A job that used to take one hour expanded to three. Assembling materials, lugging our hose up from the basement, searching for a damn water-nozzle that mischievously hid itself on my workbench all complicated the project. Multi-step jobs like this are more easily abandoned than completed.

But I wanted it done. So I persevered and waded through cold pools of effort and annoyance. There were a few surprising bright spots like being reminded of the sinuous curves of my sporty vehicles whose bodies I'd lovingly handled in the past and feeling muscle-memory from those experiences. I instinctively knew when and where to move closer, deeper and probe the curved surfaces with my wet fingers and soapy sponge. 

Eventually I emerged from the driveway with two clean automobiles and a sweaty t-shirt. Best of all was feeling accomplished. I performed a task that might have defeated others in my condition.

And good news -- I didn't accidentally wash my neighbor's car. :)


16 comments:

  1. You're incredible, Ally! So many other people (myself included) would not persevere. "Innate grit" indeed. I'm sorry you're dealing with this condition, but as usual you're handling it well beyond most people would!

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    1. Thank you so much, buddy! Your words are kind. When our character is tested we learn who we are. I feel like I have no choice but to push forward.

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  2. Ally, you are flipping amazing! Well done for not giving up and doing this! I'm glad you were able to feel the contours of your beautiful car and yes, you didn't wash your neighbour's car!!(not the same thing but I remember once, making my lovely friend Barbara a 60th birthday card. I painstakingly made and attached many tiny elements...only to discover I'd attached everything to the matching envelope, not the card! I could have cried but instead, I cut the back off and glued it to a different, larger card and found a larger envelope but my heart sank for a few minutes...
    My friend Oliver has incredibly limited vision (and has done for most of this life) and he wears a telescopic pair of glasses for playing his flute to read the music and he's so amazingly determined like you- he always volunteers to cook breakfast for 130 of us at camp.
    xx

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    1. Thanks, Kezzie. We all make mistakes and the key is to focus on fixing them, not bemoaning their inevitability. I make more mistakes now and simply have to accept that. Kudos to your friend for doing the best he can. When we face challenges -- as we all do in later years -- resilience is a vital strength.

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  3. Your description of washing your car by touch sounded very sensual. Maybe you should try writing a romance novel. Your ability to deal with adversity and continue to push your boundaries is inspirational. I laughed out loud about washing your neighbour's car. Imagine. They would have loved that.

    Suzanne

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    1. Thanks, Sweetie. When I've written in the past about washing my cars I used similar language. One can take it as comedy but there really is a sensory component to stroking a body's curves whether that be an automobile or human loved one. I've always had a strong, pulsing libido and vision-loss hasn't diminished that.

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  4. Well done on challenging yourself and succeeding Ally! xxx

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    1. Thanks, pal. We don't know how capable we are until we try tough tasks.

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  5. I agree with Suzanne, I was getting very sensual vibes by the end of your description! I'm glad you got to give your babies that gift. <3

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    1. Before I lost my sight I wrote a post about washing my cars and described the act as "how we show we love them." Now, with less visual information, it's natural to focus more on the tactile sensations of the activity.

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  6. I agree with Suzanne, you should definitely consider writing a book. No matter how great or small your physical eye sight, your mind is sharp and brilliant. Your determination is incredible.

    It's frustrating to face every day when medical stuff changes, but we have preserver and press on, even if it takes more time and effort and learning to do things in new ways.

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    1. Thanks, pal. We "see" with our brains, not our eyes. As long as my mind stays intact I'll be okay. You're right about increasing hardship from illness or age. When unavoidable, we simply have to press on and endure the tougher road. There's just no other choice.

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  7. I'm really inspired by your perseverance, Ally- you are always pushing that big (metaphorical) boulder up the hill with a determined heart and optimism!

    Good for you for taking on this task- I'm sure it was frustrating at first when it took longer than it would've years ago, but you DID IT! And you got to reconnect with your cars a bit, which I'm sure was so nice. :)

    Hope you have a lovely weekend!

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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    1. Thank you so much Ashley. Your words are so kind. Honestly, I don't know what choice I have now. It's either press forward with tenacity or surrender. I want to accomplish more and don't believe my life is over yet. Appreciate your support!

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  8. That's inspiring. Both that you did it and felt a sense of accomplishment. It's so important to be proud of what we have done...it helps us to achieve more.

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    1. Yup. I encourage everyone to feel good about their victories, even tiny ones, because they motivate us to keep tackling big projects.

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