Tuesday, November 12, 2019

To Paint, Or Not To Paint...

... that is the question.

I want to discuss something with you which is very important. It concerns our society of which you are a member. How we view and treat each other affects everyone.

The question I pose is this: is it okay for me, when out in public dressed as a man, to sport colored nail-polish on my fingers?

During my entire life I've striven to live authentically. For me that means to identify as female. In childhood my parents told me this is not possible. My early years were a struggle of me saying I'm a girl, my parents saying I'm not, in a battle repeated endlessly. I'd wrap a bath towel around my waist and pretend it was a skirt; my parents reacted by smacking me. They believed they could beat deviance out of me. That treatment didn't work.

They also appealed to me by claiming to be acting in my best interests. They explained that no one would accept me as female and my acting as such (through dress, posture and behavior) would trigger opprobrium. They said I'd be ridiculed, criticized and attacked.

I've chosen to test that prediction. Repeatedly, throughout my life.

I've spent all of my life pushing boundaries. I transgressed gender restrictions in my teens, twenties, adulthood and as recently as this year when, armed and encouraged by my friend Suzanne, I appeared in public presenting as female. (We got mani-pedis, walked in a park and dined in a nice restaurant.)

I note feedback to my social experiments with the precision of a researcher. In high school I wore clothes that were sold in men's departments but flamboyantly colored; during the Seventies men could get away with wild colors. Even so, I was still attacked for wearing such (male) clothes. One teacher called me over in a school hall and threatened to send me home if I didn't cover up a floral crop-top with a sweater. Sports team-mates routinely disparaged my sexual orientation -- and I'm not gay. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," as "Seinfeld" later said.

My recent experience with Suzanne unlocked something new in me -- a sense of pride in who I am. Walking around that weekend with painted fingernails, I felt my true identity was finally on display. Even in male clothing, when I have painted fingernails, I reveal who I am in a manifest way. That feeling is intoxicating.

Nonetheless the teachings of my parents and prior experiences still caution me against flouting gender restrictions. I know, as certain as the sun will rise, that breaking the rules will cause social turmoil. How much, I wonder? That is what I'm now questioning. Can I wear colored nail-polish on my fingernails when out in public dressed as a man? If I do, what will be the reaction. The cost?

I've started conducting field research on the subject. Appearing this way has yielded early findings. First, most people of both genders pay little attention to old folks and, when they do, few notice their fingers. So often this question is moot.

When someone does see my painted nails, I get these reactions:

- Men (of all ages) give me dirty looks. Some make nasty remarks, again slurring my sexuality (of which they know nothing; it's just the "go-to" male insult). Honestly, however, their reactions mean nothing to me: male masculinity is fragile and the personal insecurity of strangers is not my concern.

- Women over 40 tend to get perplexed; incomprehension is evident on their faces. None say a peep to me, although I wish they would so I could explain myself.

- Women under 40 are the most interesting: their reactions vary. Some smile, some turn away, some applaud me verbally and a cherished few engage me in conversation to learn more. I love having the opportunity to talk about this but I never approach women in public without their invitation.

What is your reaction to this? How acceptable or unacceptable do you find this choice?

I guess what I'm really asking is -- am I "free" to do this? Am I able to wear nail-polish on my fingers without getting disapproval from people whose opinions matter? Your thoughts?

30 comments:

  1. Interesting conversation piece. I'm of the mind set that as long as it makes YOU happy, who the hell cares about anyone else? They don't like it, that sounds like a them problem and people need to let that shit go. Good for you. :)

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    1. Thank you, friend. Your support gives me confidence.

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  2. Welcome to womanhood, friend! :) This is similar to what I feel a lot of us face every day when we get dressed. A woman I follow on Instagram just posted a picture of her wearing a form-fitting dress, contemplating whether or not she should buy it. She liked the dress, her friends liked the dress, but in the past when she's worn form-fitting things, people (mainly men) have given her unwanted attention, from condescending verbal comments to inappropriate ass-grabbing.

    For me, it's not so much about what others deem acceptable or unacceptable, because, quite frankly, screw 'em. Do what you want. But, unfortunately, dealing with the reactions of others can be exhausting. Personally, most days, I don't have the energy to fight off things like unwanted advances, so I'll wear a different outfit. (I'm worn out from fighting it too much in my teens -- your floral crop top incident sounds very similar to a run in I had with the school principal in 8th grade. I refused to cover up my tank top, which didn't even violate dress code, and got suspended for the day.)

    Since you've been conducting field research already, I'm guessing you do have the energy to deal with all the reactions on hand. So keep wearing that polish, girl! What's your favorite color?

    - Ashley

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    1. Red. Fire engine red.

      You're right about needing energy when doing something like this. I steel myself going out, knowing that any reaction is possible.

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  3. If painted nails make you happy, or if they are a means toward some end that will make you happy, go for it! I never would have done that, myself, but I've always been a binary transgender woman. I used to be careful to keep my female and male presentations separate from each other, with a complete separation from male that I've maintained for several years.

    Using interchangeable pronouns for clarity, I will tell you about a cross dresser friend that I used to hang with a lot before I started transition. He worked in a building supply store as a cabinet specialist, and designed and sold to builders, as well as retail customers. The local trans social group met every Thursday night, and she would always superglue artificial nails on her fingers and paint them for the evening events (I never saw her without them). If she had another outing planned for the weekend, though, she would often just leave them on for a few days, including at work. His boss tolerated it, although reluctantly, and he enjoyed any positive attention he got from his customers. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the opportunity to further display his feminine side by showing pictures of herself that he kept in his work computer. Conversely, there were many times, when we were out together enfemme, she would manipulate people, so as to show pics on her phone of her male-self. To me, it seemed that the attention he or she got from all of this was just as self-satisfying as was the cross dressing, itself.

    My friend's actions were OK with me, except that I would always have to say, "not all of us!" when she would explain to people what this hobby (her words) was all about. Otherwise, I suppose it's one of those mind over matter things - if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Or, if you own it, people will most likely give you a pass.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback and personal anecdote.

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  4. Your last paragraph had a lot in it.

    You really only have control of you. You have a right to wear nail polish but you can't control how people will react.

    I applaud your efforts to live your true life! Sadly we live with a lot of ignorance and only you can decide how much you feel comfortable pushing the envelope.

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  5. I get this - I just did my hair lilac again last night and am frankly expecting a little backlash from my colleagues/friends. Some people liked the gray/white/natural I had, and so they will defend this to me (but it's MY hair!). Some people are nonplussed by seeing me with lilac hair but won't say anything (but will whisper about it behind my back). I can say I don't care, but it distresses me.

    For nail polish, I say go for it. I'd say skip the pinks and reds in favour of blue or green or purple or a non-"femme" colour, if you are with people who don't know the real you. Otherwise, F**K 'em! Wear it with impunity!

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    1. Thank you, Sheila. I thought you could relate since your presentation often includes wild, unusual elements (which I love for their aesthetic value). I often wonder about the reactions you get from others.

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  6. Yay! Well first of all like others say, I am so happy that you get this happiness out of expressing yourself. Over on the West Coast, I'm not sure how much of what I experience applies (I could wear a bathrobe on MUNI and no one would look twice). I agree that what you are doing is excellent in that you can make an informed choice when you leave the house.

    Shitty things: that you have to weigh options just for effing expressing yourself because people suck.

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    1. Exactly right. I wish society was understanding enough that I wouldn't have to have a daily discussion in my head about what will and won't fly. Thanks, Aya!

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  7. I'm sorry that the reactions of other people make you feel that this conversation is needed. I'm in the "what makes you happy" camp, but I know it isn't as simple as that. While having bright colours on the ends of your fingers might make you smile and feel happy, the less positive reactions of others may make you sad. It is really difficult to balance those feelings by holding onto the joy without being brought down by the other stuff. But I still say go for it. I love seeing others show their personality through their nails, hair style, clothing choices, fancy spectacles, or whatever else. We must all strive to be ourselves, for that is the only way to feel good and comfortable.

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    1. You identify the situation perfectly, pal. A balancing needs to happen, but we wish it didn't. I take pleasure in others' display of their personality; I wish strangers could take pleasure in mine. Alas...

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  8. This is such an interesting topic. I think we've come a long way in recognizing that gender is not what we see on the outside, but we still have a long way to go in the acceptance of that. I'm glad you've had the confidence to go out in public presenting as a female. I think it's important to be authentically who we are on the inside. I know a lot of fathers and grandfathers who let their little girls paint their nails and now I'm curious what kind of reaction they get as opposed to someone who is doing it for their own enjoyment and self-expression. Young rock stars wear nail polish all the time, so I'm sure the younger crowd is probably more accepting or less aware of it whereas the older, more traditional folks are still hesitant to accept it. I hope that you continue to have positive experiences as you are out and about as a female. I would be interested to read a follow up post as you do more research on this topic.

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    1. Thanks, Lecy. I appreciate your support and will keep everyone posted. That's what blogs are for!

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  9. The Young Prince has worn Fingernail Polish almost always whether he's presenting as Male or Female. A lot of the Goth Kids do regardless of Gender Identity and so it seems quite normal to see Males wearing Nail Polish nowadays much like the Big Hair of the 70's and 80's and Make-Up kind of crossed Gender Boundaries and obscured them a lot in that Era. I look back at some of the Popular Rock Bands of those days and it was not easy to discern anyone's actual Orientation because it was acceptable to just Rock whatever Style you happened to like and which expressed yourself. If it makes you feel empowered, I'd wear it as often as you like. I remember people cautioning me before I got my Dreadlocks that a lot of Society wasn't accepting of them... and Social Stigma of those who have them still abounded. Yes, some of it does, but I personally have had almost 99.9% Positive experience wearing mine, I Love them, it's authentic to myself and the .1% has mostly been curious or just ignorant of the Hairstyle and just asks questions which mostly humor me... like, do you wash them? Or the more intrusive, can I touch them, which is kinda Weird! *Bwahahaha!*

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    1. Thanks for the info. If I was younger or looked more radical, nail-polish might not be as big a deal on me but, in male clothes, I look like a traditional, conservative lawyer. (I'm not, but I look like one.) That incongruity is my problem.

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  10. People give others too much power and overthink things. No one questioned you when you presented as female and we went out. It was awesome!

    We always think people are looking at us more than they are.

    Also, you have some of the nicest hands and nails I've seen, women or men. Show them off!

    Suzanne
    http://www.suzannecarillo.com

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    1. You are right. RIGHT. I need to remember this and need to learn to be less self-conscious. The problem is overcoming early-childhood lessons.

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  11. I'll start with my background is one of tolerance - nerdy parents, a gay godfather, trans high school bestie, etc. I also grew up in two distinct subcultures: goth kids and emo kids.

    Both of which definitely supported men wearing make up and painted nails.

    Now, people of all genders and cultures are pushing the envelope, imo. A vlogger I watch wears a 2 or 3 piece, a mustache... And painted nails. He's probably early 30s?

    Tbh IF i noticed a male-presenting person with nail polish in public, I'd probably not think twice. Especially if it were a generally "normal" color (nude/black/red). Neon may give me pause.

    That said, every time you talk about your childhood, I wish I could hug little Ally tight and say, "It won't always be locked inside, one day you'll get a chance to shine."

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    1. You are my target audience. It's people like you I'm focused on. Thanks for the reassurance. Hugs back!

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  12. I love how brave you are + open in sharing your story. It's amazing!

    I think you should rock that polish any ol' time you want to- if it makes you feel good, DO IT. And if someone doesn't get it, they can just move along.

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  13. It does annoy me that so many things are restricted by 'traditional' gender stereotypes in this time we live in. In the Regency era and before, dandies set the fashion by wearing elaborate creations, wigs, powder and all sorts. I am quite sure if nail varnish had been around, they would have worn it.
    My friend Alastair in Sixth form at school wore nail varnish all the time, he was a goth and people learnt to accept it. I think it is easier at that 'experimental age' to allow people to get used to it (though there can also be bullying which sucks) and I think it's always strangers, who don't know us, who can be the most hurtful because of the doubletake when they see something unusual but I don't understand why people then need to comment.
    I say, wear it if you like it!! I used to wear it loads as a teenager but stopped when I got a job in a chipshop and had to take it off every few days- now I am lazy!

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  14. I love the fact you are uniquely 'you'. You give strength to other people to be out in the world, by your authenticity. We as a society have a long way to go, BUT we are closer to acceptance and tolerance than we were precisely because of all the brave souls who went out in to the world as their true selves. Please rock your nail polish! You are the future, walk tall and feel proud. You are helping us all to evolve into better people XXX

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