King Ralph

Welcome to Ralph-itania!

I recently purchased a small island in international waters and declared it to be a new sovereign nation. Under the UN Charter Act of 1954, this is totally legit.

You're welcome to apply for citizenship; the only requirement is that I like you. Residents of Ralphitania pay no taxes; to the contrary, they receive a UBI (Universal Basic Income) of $1,000 per month. Our national currency is Bitcoin so open your digital wallets for regular monthly deposits.

Our government consists of a single political party -- the Mad Dog Motorcycle Club -- a perspicacious group to which several of you already belong. Truth be told, the party has two wings, the Slow Riders Brigade (on touring bikes and cruisers) and the Fast Riders Alliance (on sport-bikes). Despite differing views, both factions wave to each other on the road and harbor no internecine feelings. Ralphitania don't have a helmet law because nobody is that stupid to ride without protective gear.

Our mass transportation includes a fleet of McLaren 570 super-cars. When boarding, please specify whether you are in a hurry. With no speed limits in Ralphitania, our drivers can get you to your destination at triple-digit velocity. Kindly watch your head when exiting the gull-wing doors.

As head of government, I serve as our nation's cynosure but at the same time I'm humble and don't claim formal title. I do, however, turn around when someone calls out "Your Royal Majesty."

The Criminal Code of Ralphitania is short -- there are only two criminal offenses. Section 1.01 outlaws talking in movie theaters (punishable by pelting with popcorn by fellow patrons); Section 1.02 prohibits pretending to be a wine-snob (punishable by drinking six bottles of Zima). It's not currently a crime to look at your cellphone while engaged in conversation but there are proposals afoot to deter that and other callow behavior.

Given labile chaos in America at the moment, an influx of ex-pats just arrived. "It was here or Canada," they say. Ralphitania looks attractive because we don't put toddlers in jail and we don't cozy up to nocuous dictators. The only political issue we face is whether to pave our streets with gold or glitter.

Our national sport is curling which probably explains why our homes are so clean. All ten curling teams have the same amount of money to spend so their games are fair and exciting. This policy, called "The Yankees Suck Rule," was proposed by me and is achieving its goal of equity in competition.

Ralphitania has no shortage of arts and culture. All residents receive Netflix for free and our cinemas have reclining chairs with food service. We get first-run films and there is a major retrospective this week of masterpieces by Pee-Wee Herman.

You're invited to visit Ralphitania any time. I'll leave the lights on.