An Unexpected Feeling

I have a problem and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm having occasional bouts of euphoria. Moments of extreme elation. Happiness beyond measure. This presents a problem: I'm not familiar with the feeling. Despair, yes; happiness, no.

I spent four decades toiling in the trench of legal combat. I wrestled daily with crippling anxiety. I worried every day about how bad things might get. The reality is they never got very bad but that didn't stop me from worrying about the prospect. I plugged away and plugged away at tedious tasks. A close friend remarked that I possess "an insanely high tolerance for misery and drudgery." Well, I do and it served me in a long career of high-stakes litigation.

Last year, of course, my life really did go south. I lost so much vision that most activities are now beyond me. Not just motorcycling but things as basic as walking in public. I'm safe outside only away from crowds and cars. I take long walks now mostly to prove to myself that I can.

So where's the euphoria coming from? Realization that although my eyesight is very bad, it could be worse. There are days when my vision sucks more than usual. I experience periods of total blindness and physical pain. When, triggered by these experiences, I contemplate being fully blind permanently I become grateful -- ecstatic even -- for the little vision that remains. I can usually see well enough to prepare food, make coffee, clean the kitchen and pay bills. I can see well enough to function in normal life. I can read and write and ponder deep questions. Sure I bump into things but bruises heal. I'm also able to watch the parade of human stupidity pass by on its march to the abyss.

If the ability to do these things disappears I'll be truly crushed. To the depth of my soul crushed. But it hasn't, at least not yet. I'm not confident I'll retain this level of vision for the rest of my life and, given my good health otherwise, that may be a long time. But if this eyesight continues for another decade or two I will be able to accomplish what I hope for -- to find new adventures, immerse myself in challenges, and emerge with a rewarding sense of achievement.

Damn, life contains surprises. Becoming happy is not what I expected at this point.