I hope this isn't too weird or mystical for you.
During my hospitalization I died -- technically -- twice. In medical terms I "coded" and doctors told Robin I was gone. Only extreme medical interventions shocked my body back to physical life.
I mentioned before that I was suffering from ICU delirium during most of my stay which altered but didn't eliminate my perceptions. I perceived but interpreted things differently. I even had conversations with people in the real world (Robin, nurses) but our words meant different things.
There's a concept in Tibetan Buddhism called "bardo." It means the interval between death and re-birth. After you die, your consciousness remains active, wrestles with karma from past life and prepares to get re-born into a new body. An unusual writer (Amie Barrodale) just published a novel ("Trip") that explores a woman in bardo. The main character has post-death experiences and they're weird. Seriously weird. For instance, someone she's talking to has arms made of smoke.
Now don't take this the wrong way, or call 911, but life since my aforementioned deaths has frequently been odd. At times I believe I'm half-dead, half-alive. My consciousness -- or soul, if you're comfortable with that word -- is floating around like a crouton in cosmic soup. Actually many people feel today's surreality (politically, socially) is unprecedented and inexplicable. Perhaps you too are all dead and floating in bardo.
Nobody knows what reality is or whether consciousness survives death or if there's an afterlife (Heaven/Hell). We can ponder whether humans have souls and if "reality" even exists, but that discussion won't find resolution. We can only follow our impressions of the noumenal (or numinous, if you lean that way) and guess what's happening.
Verstehen?
I don't think this is weird at all , Ally, particularly in view of your near death experiences and the ICU delirium. And yes, perhaps I too am death and floating in bardo, which would explain a lot of things! xxx
ReplyDeleteExactly!
DeleteAlly, I’m so sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through and the seriousness of your illness. Your reflections are profound and deeply moving, and I truly appreciate you sharing such an intimate, meaningful experience. It’s clear you’ve been through something extraordinary, and your words convey that beautifully.
ReplyDeleteBest Wishes
Lotte x
Thank you, Lotte. That's really nice of you to say. I half feel that I am dead so my effort to communicate is futile but, on the slight chance I'm not dead, maybe I should continue writing. It's a strange, liminal place to inhabit.
DeleteHave you read "Lincoln in the Bardo"? There is so much that we can't see/understand. Open heart, open mind!
ReplyDeleteNo, I haven't. Thank you, I'll check it out.
DeleteI think Sheila said it - open heart, open mind!
ReplyDeleteI'm neither religious or spiritual but I've definitely experienced enough to believe in Something.
One of my many surgeries I had the sensation of falling right through the operating table (this was when I was in my teens). I floated about the room before the memory stops.
While some of it may be our brains trying to make sense of things, I think maybe it's more complicated than we know.
Interesting experience. It accords with those of others who've had NDEs. Yes our brains are trying to comprehend things beyond our natural ability but the real question is what's out there?
DeleteI derive some insight by looking at difference in perception between humans and other animals. (Humans forget we ARE animals.) There are many known -- and unknown -- abilities possessed by some animals/insects/creatures like seeing outside the range of light we see, or detecting magnetic and gravitational forces of the Earth. Exciting discoveries are being made in biology about other animals' perceptions that, since we have nothing close to them, we can barely understand. For instance, plants "communicate" and some insects dependent on those plants can "hear" signs of distress, affecting the insects' choice to go toward or away from the plant.
When it comes to religion I view religious belief, by definition, as man-made. Thus while it may alleviate human anxiety it doesn't explain anything beyond our comprehension.
Ally, I am quailing at the thought that you medically died several times!!!! So relieved we still have you. I am very intrigued by your state of mind and feeling at the moment. I will be interested to read and hear more of how that feeling continues and develops.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your concern, Kezzie. I'm curious too on where I'll go from here. Perhaps I'll climb a mountain, shed my clothes and meditate until some young person comes up and asks me for the meaning of life. :)
DeleteThis reminds me of The Matrix. Are we living in a simulation? Sometimes it's easier to live if we believe it's not real. I watch Nurse Julie, a hospice nurse on YouTube. She explains and educates about our last act...the act of dying. Her most recent post was about end of life agitation. It is very frightening both for the sufferer and the loved one trying to comfort that person. The trauma is inescapable. Both my spouse and I have some serious PTSD from that period in our lives and I imagine for both you and Robin it is even more so. I don't wish that kind of confusion and discomfort on anyone.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs,
Suzanne
Thanks for your thoughts, dear friend. I was surprised to learn the word "matrix" existed long before the movie. People have been pondering life and "reality" for centuries. One of the smartest mathematicians of all time believed, near the end of his life, that as much as science informs us, there is something else, something more, out there, but because it's beyond human perception it's probably beyond human comprehension. That is the ultimate mystery. I don't know if humans will understand it before we go extinct.
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