Recently I was surprised. No, that's not accurate: I was horrified. A photograph was taken for my passport -- and what it shows knocked me down. I was distraught and it took an entire day for my Pollyanna nature to surface and salvage my emotions.
A hidden blessing of bad vision is losing the ability to see yourself. I haven't viewed my face clearly in over a year. The bathroom-mirror displays only an indistinct blob. Shaving is a dangerous activity deserving its own book. Working title: "Riding The Razor."
Early in life I assessed my attractiveness. I considered my average looks to be sufficient. I didn't lust for adoration nor aspire to become a movie-star. I encountered no obstacles working as a legal pugilist; appearance is irrelevant in that bloody arena.
But my passport photo reveals more than just aging. It shows a drooping eyelid over a permanently-bloodshot eye that's retired from active duty. Ugh. No longer am I unaware of my current appearance. That ignorance was temporary bliss.
Pondering this sad state of affairs an anodyne idea popped up: I was once cute. Long ago and for a brief moment. Exactly 50 years ago, in fact. In 1974 I could attract a girl's eye. That fleeting pulchritude was the peak of my life's physical beauty; it's been downhill since then, ultimately ending at this pitiful cul-de-sac.
For all of us who grow old, at some point past glory hops a train to Newark and disappears, leaving only vague memory. And, if we're lucky, maybe an old picture like this one.
I was so insecure as a teen and now when I look at pictures I would love to have that skin, muscles, shiny teeth lol again. I don't really take many pictures now or look int he mirror a whole lot but I always get a whollop at the cash register at my grocery store. It has a camera overhead and I can see all the gray hair, dark spots on my face, wrinkles. I'm always shocked and think I look like I'm about to keel over.
ReplyDeleteAs they say, youth is wasted on the young.
It's the shock that gets us. The difference between what we think we look like and reality is stunning.
DeleteJoin the club, Ally! I was shocked to see my mother looking back at me in the mirror the other day! What the hell? I don't look like that, said the blogger who's taken her own picture for 16 years and should know what she looks like by now.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful creature you were in your youth, Ally. The eyes, the slightly upturned mouth. But you're still beautiful to those who love you. <3
You're a doll. Thanks for the kind words and perspective. Does being in this club entitle me to any benefits? I'd settle for free stockings. :)
DeleteWe grieve our younger selves when we lose our looks. Part of our social currency is diminishing. Beauty can be quite powerful and the loss of it is deeply felt. The loss of health though trumps everything in the end. As long as you're still able to enjoy simple pleasures in life everything else is secondary.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
Sage words. Hearing smart thoughts from close friends like you saves me from despair. Yes, as Pollyanna agrees, we should look to what we still have left, not what we lost.
DeleteThis is especially true for folks my age. In the past month I've had several friends die or suffer horrible medical issues. Yesterday, one had major surgery to remove part of his lung because of cancer. When considering death and serious disability, appearance becomes trivial. As long as my vision remains usable and my body is still mobile, I'll be content with life.
As one of the smartest people I know, naturally you possess wisdom; thank you for dispensing some. Yes, interesting is better than "attractive" because the latter is a cultural concept in service of sexism. "Interesting" is a declaration of personal independence from such convention.
ReplyDeleteYour reflections on your current age remind me of when I was in my fifties and I'd occasionally feel sad that my appearance (particularly in blog photos) wasn't as nice as it had been years earlier. I then realized that my appearance wasn't going to get any better, only worse, so I should and did cherish it as imperfect as it was. Looking back today I'd trade anything for my mid-50s body.
And yes, ill health magnifies everything. I accept the natural aging of my body but the eye-thing is harder to stomach.
I understand. Whilst I am in my 40's rather than 60's, I do see a decline in my appearance. I look at photos from a few years ago and I just LOOK younger and more fresh. Last night, I went to my Gamelan rehearsal, the first in about 5 months. I was really tired and wanted to go home but thought, as I'd only had one night rehearsal this week. I got there late and they were learning part of a new piece. I always end up playing Sangsi (which means a variation part of the melody/patterns) as most people play the main melody/part. Only one other person was playing my part on the otherside of the room with a row of people playing the main part loudly. Our leader showed our bit really quickly and as we learn by ear/following, if you don't get it, it becomes really frustrating. He plays it once and then switches back to the main part. At one point, I asked him to show it again. He stopped half way through as he'd got it wrong and then continued from that point, so of course, that didn't help as I need the continuity. I spent the remaining half of the rehearsal feeling useless and irritated and wondering why I was there when I'd wanted to go home. At one point, I found myself trying hard to stop myself crying and I'm not very good at that so I got up to go to the bathroom to try and stop myself and wash my face. I didn't feel very Pollyanna. I lookef at myself in the mirror and looked so old, haggard and blotchy and that made me sadder!
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I went back. Daisy, the other person playing my part moved over to my side as I think she realised I was upset and that helped. I did question whether, without being able to offer the time and commitment needed, whether perhaps I should not continue with Gamelan. I'm not sure but I figured I'll probably look and feel less tired at the weekend so should just look forward to that and Chrid had made me dinner and I'd missed him so there were positives! Plus my kids were pretty good at school during the day so there are positives!
Enough of my long boring introspective!
I get you! And you are beautiful, no matter how droopy or bloodshot the eye! Have you got a nice frock you can put on to remind yourself you are fab! And remember, your mind and heart and beautiful and these last much longer than transient appearances!! Kezzie xx
Thank you, Kezzie, for illustrating my point better than any abstract advice could. Your real-life experience is relatable and true. It displays how hard life gets as we age. At times the difficulty is overwhelming. I wish someone could have hugged and cared for you that awful night. Get rest, welcome Pollyanna's return and feel better. We love and admire you.
DeleteP.S. you look cuuuute in that picture!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was my peak. The pinnacle of my fleeting beauty. Now I have to impress people with my thoughts and compassion. :)
DeleteWhy should only a youthful appearance be considered beautiful? Why not find beauty in every age?
ReplyDeleteWe're alive and that's beautiful in its own way.
I have always had a positive relationship with my appearance, I wish I had such a positive relationships with myself in general. I have tons of insecurities, but somehow physical appearance was never one of them. People say society forces beauty standards on us, but I think it's something we can fight against by developing critical thinking.