Often we're blind to ourselves. This is especially the case when you're brought up and forced to be someone you're not. I'm on a journey toward discovering my true self and I make mistakes along the way.
One mistake is not understanding why we do things. For example, I crave common female experiences, like picking out a cute dress in a store, accessorizing it with jewelry, squeezing into its tight fit and then showing it off to friends. The appeal are the experiences generated, not the end-result.
So when I engage in this fun behavior, I enjoy myself -- up to the point of seeing photos of the result. Then I get sad because, of course, I'm not attractive or even passable under current, heightened social conventions of female beauty. That sadness usually propels me to make excuses when posting pictures.
I shouldn't. Because I'm losing sight of the whole point which is to create joy in my life, such as it is. I'll never compete with the beauty of cis-gender women whose lifelong efforts and natural advantages eclipse anything I can do, particularly now. But I don't have to measure myself with that yardstick; it's not the goal. The real aim is to take what and where I am and improve on it. And I'm doing that simply by moving toward authenticity. In truth, I relish these experiences and need to remind myself of that.
"...picking out a cute dress in a store, accessorizing it with jewelry, squeezing into its tight fit and then showing it off to friends" is nothing without the smile I see you wearing too.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteThought-provoking post Ally. It's good that you can recognise that your losing sight of the whole point which is to create joy in your life.
ReplyDeleteKeep creating that joy x
Thanks, Lotte.
DeleteI can empathize with this feeling on a very small scale. I don't confront the same hurdles as you however I find I have very similar feelings about what I see when I look at my photos now. It's why I take fewer and fewer photos. I watched a very interesting documentary recently called Transformer where they spoke about this gap between how you feel and what you see. Have you seen it?
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
No I haven't. I'll look for it. Thanks.
DeleteFocusing on creating joy in one's life instead of the end result is what most of us should learn to do. The end result, in this case, however, is the smile of happiness on your face. You do, in fact, look radiant and your outfit is absolutely gorgeous! xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteIt makes me sad when my lovely friends sad so I'm sorry seeing your photos has made you sad in the past. For the record, you are WAY better at make up than I am as a cis-gender individual and I think you really do your make up beautifully. That aside, I'm glad you are pushing back against this feeling and regaining your joy in dressing up! I love seeing your outfits!
ReplyDeleteYour necklace is really pretty and those shoes are right up my street- fight you for them!
Kezzie xx
Thanks, Kezzie. Glad you like the shoes.
DeleteAs long as I've known you, read your LJ and now blog, and reading this post today, I think you are maturing in this aspect of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think that is part of the female experience, acknowledging that we don't and won't look like "magazines" (or now tiktok/instagram/etc), and finding joy in ourselves and how we look and present ourselves.
I do think you do yourself a disservice by assuming you "can't compete" with cis-women. You're a beautiful woman with a kind, youthful heart and style. I think you have a curiosity that your age and experiences have left you with a braver sense than you know to craft the outfits you wear. I know many women (cis and otherwise) who would easily let their whole life pass by without wearing certain things out of fear.
I hope you can continue to find support and love through your journey. While it may look different than many people's, it's yours and you deserve the joy a jumpsuit or dress or make up gives you as much as anyone. These are only items to enhance what naturally exists. The woman you are and choose to share with the world.
Thanks, dear friend. Lovely words and thoughts. We're all struggling and it helps to have friends support us.
DeleteI have always felt inferior in my own appearance - I was always "the smart one", never "the pretty one." My own parents would never give compliments on my appearance - the most I ever got was a "Hmmm." I still feel in many ways that my looks are...okay, that I "clean up good."
ReplyDeleteAll that to say, we all struggle with our appearance - and as you say, cis-gender women have often had their whole lives to become pro at presenting femininity in a way that is acceptable. And then we go and get older and say, "Fug that!" :)
A reminder that it's not a competition. Women can be a lot more supportive than you think - so ask your women friends for help, advise, comments, etc. Practice styling, make-up, hair and you will get better at it (although I think you are doing really well!!).
I think you look lovely in this outfit, Ally. Great necklace.
Oh, wow. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings, Sheila. I appreciate that. And the thrust of your message helps me. I appreciate your support.
DeleteAlly! As usual, your openness and your ability to pinpoint exactly where you are on your journey (and how it's making you feel) is so refreshing. So many of us don't have this ability- we just know we feel bad/sad/angry and wallow in it. Your knack for honing in on exactly what "it" is and examining it is remarkable. And cool!
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is be where you are and take the next steps- authenticity is everything and you are it, my friend!
-Ashley
New post here :)
Thank you, Ashley. I've learned that you can't grow unless you're totally honest about yourself. And I want to grow: that's the whole point for me.
DeleteThank you for sharing, Ally. I don't have anything to say except that I 100% agree with all of Megan's thoughts above!
ReplyDeleteThanks, pal.
Delete