The Heart of Darkness

My studies in human anthropology have sent me to many distant, isolated areas of the world but never, until now, have I experienced an assembly of people as unusual and bizarre as the natives of Detroit, a remote village on the island of Michigan. Inhabitants here make pygmy cannibals in Papua, New Guinea seem like proper English gentlemen.

Travel to Detroit is arduous. Paths are marred by pot-holes and debris evidencing decades of communal neglect. Indeed the main route into the village (pronounced "Seventy Five") contains multiple blockages making passage often frustrating and sometimes impossible.

Once you arrive, dear reader, you are quickly ushered to the reigning ruler, a Queen who goes by many names, most prominent being Sara-Bellum. Sara dresses in distinctive attire reserved for Her Majesty which explores the range of color between light black and dark black. Sometimes Sara's clothes are transparent, allowing Royal Consort Jeremy to peek at hidden mysteries.

The tribe is matriarchal and closely-knit. Through the use of small devices in their hands, inhabitants spread news instantly and play pranks on each other, like tagging friends on Facebook in places they physically aren't so the tagee's wife doesn't know where he is. Domestic stability is not a tradition in this primitive community.

The Queen's ladies-in-waiting, Princesses Wednesday and Dani, are decorated like the Queen herself with inked images on body-places not commonly painted in civilized societies: e.g., thighs, shoulders, inner lips. Despite their regal station, the princesses utter shocking vulgarities. In fact, they even use a book to create new profanities, phrases so indelicate I shan't repeat them. Truly, I was aghast in horror at their indecency. The incongruity between the princesses' attractive appearances and foul mouths is startling.

Despite their savagery, Detroiters don't eat meat. Which surprises me because Princess Wednesday goes around biting people at random. Apparently she doesn't swallow.

Most notable is the tribe's boisterous behavior, extending over days. I arrived in the middle of a bacchanalian festival where fermented beverages were avidly consumed in endless succession, punctuated with potions of caffeine. Loud voices, randy gestures and impudent remarks were observed. Naturally, the village has women's roller derby. My written notes are available for scholarly inspection.

In the interests of science, your intrepid adventurer has undertaken many difficult journeys to exotic locations but, after my harrowing experience in this heart of darkness, I am sensibly electing to retire from future foreign expeditions and spend my few remaining years lounging on a couch, reading quietly. Anyone considering voyage to the island of Michigan, be forewarned!